End Ram nips change in its infancy

Blah Online is currently managed by one bloke who doesn't have access to blogger at his workplace. At home, his laptop has conspired with Reliance Wi-Fi broadband service to show him the finger. So we (actually I) have decided to start subscribing to reports from newspapers such as The Bindu and The Last Month Salary Due Express. Kickstarting this initiative is a report from The Bindu on yet another tremendously exciting topic that they are often known for.

CHENNAI: In a move that is likely to rock nothing but some jobless bastard's decaying social life, which he tries to fill up by reading the newspaper, The Bindu office in Chennai has decided to change the fonts on its sign board.

Holding a press conference on this matter at the press club located on Mount Road in Chennai during the none-too-wee hours of the morning when the stars of Venus aligned perfectly with those of Mars thereby subtly signaling that Brahmins are far superior to Dravidians, Jews and Negroes, Mr End Ram said that this change could mean more than what common folk could possibly conceive.

"At The Bindu, things don't change. For years we have been hurting your aural and visual senses by printing mundane shit that wouldn't look too out of place in your neighbour's arse or my own. As far as I can remember, you need to get rid of your backbone or at least drink bovine urine every morning to get your way around here. And its such a momentous occasion that The Bindu has decided to bring forth some sort of a change. Fonts are important. I remember once in 1956 when…."

At this point, a random sharp object was hurled at Mr End Ram by some irate dude who obviously didn't take a liking to the drawling, monotonous dribble that was being spewed forth. Subscribing to the dude's violent antics, several non-Brahmins and non-ass kissers started throwing random objects at Mr End Ram.

Several hours later, a bloodied and tattered Ram crawled up to the microphone and had this to say to the audience, which mostly consisted of puckered lips sticking to his rear end.

"Fuck it, the fonts are not going to change."

Fuck it indeed, Mr saffron-clad, mundane-as-watching-dung-dry, poo-faced sonofabitch...contuinue boring the daylights out of dawn. Fuck Ram, fuck The Hindu.

Doc in da house, says Karnataka CM

BANGALORE: During the dying hours of Sunday, Karnataka CM Kumaraswamy said he would meet Indian doctor Mohammed Haneef, who returned here from Australia after being cleared of terrorism charges, and offer him a government job.

Expressing happiness over the doctor’s return, the CM drooled, spilled coffee over this reporter’s shoes and mumbled incoherently about making an offer when he meets Haneef and his family.

Also in the pipeline for Haneef for not getting eaten by a rabid dingo or viciously pecked to death by psychotic kookaburras are three bags of rice, sixty cups of sambhar and a pen.

“We give food, job and everything for doctor; the doctor is in the house, please make some noise,” said Kumaraswamy, adding “Word…Life…To my mother y’all.”

'Missing' in Bangalore

BANGALORE: Despite Bangalore’s place on the global educational map, a large number of foreign students are finding it terribly unsafe to study in the city. According to Balaiya Ramsay, a senior police official and erstwhile drunkard, a lot of foreigners who come here to pursue their education often go missing and are never to be found again.

Gulping cheap vodka straight from the bottle, Balaiya said, “It is sad, but true. Just like that Medallica song.” At this point, from out of nowhere a kid, sporting an Iron Maiden T-shirt and several tattoos, lands in front of the camera and screams “Metal rules baby!”

After thumping the kid over the head with tripod, this website’s reporter queried Balaiya further on the matter.

When asked if he knew why Jason Newsted quit the band, the police official immediately quipped, “that is because he is white. And stupid. Bloody ungrateful asshole.”

“Dammit I will kill him; I will kill that white bastard.”

“I tell you, all white people should be killed. Spoiling namma Bengalaroo with their filth and money. They will go missing. I swear on my grandfather’s grave, I will make sure they all go missing,” he yelled, with veins popping out of his face.

After consuming whatever was left in the vodka bottle, Balaiya calmed down and slowly took his revolver out. Two minutes and a loud shattering noise later, Bangalore remained just as unsafe.

Kalam's hair-raising experience at Anna University

CHENNAI: Former President A P J Abdul Kalam had planned to give an idiosyncratic profile for ‘India 2020’ in 10 points while meeting the faculty members of the Anna University on Thursday.

Before copies of the profile could be distributed amongst the members, Kalam gazed at an imaginary light bulb that popped up next to his ears and made a funny face. “Ahaaaa,” he squealed, “JOLLY, I am not the President anymore…I can do whatever I want.”

Much to the disdain of Kumari Saraswathi – the English professor – the former President flexed his thumbs, put his tongue out and joyously exclaimed, “I know something you don’t know, I know something you don’t know.”

Soon realising that no one actually gave a shit about what he knew, Kalam grabbed his own hair and ripped it off his head. “It’s a WIG,” he yelled, “Now you know something I also know, you know something I also know,” he added with a creepy smile on his face.

At this point, Kumari Saraswathi fainted and had to be rushed to Saravana Bhavan for a sambhar shot.

Both shocked and unpleasantly surprised by the former President’s shenanigans, the faculty members slowly dispersed; few of them were heard muttering the word “idiot” on their way out.

Police soon barricaded the conference room at Anna University, as members of the press caught a fleeting glimpse of Kalam impersonating MGR and doing a really bad rendition of “Neeyum Naanum Ma, Kanna Neeyum Naanum Ma.”

Cricket fans scale new heights in stupidity

NEW DELHI//PORT ELIZABETH/SOMALIA: After the hilarious thrashing of Pepsi Boys…er…Team India by South Africa, Indian cricket has tainted itself once again by nose diving into the murky waters of politics.

A day before the selectors pick the team for Tests in South Africa, it's not just the Left that's talking about Ganguly’s return - even some random Indian in Somalia is.

“Dada’s return is inevitable. I, for one, have staged a hunger rally here in Somalia…we will not eat until Dada returns to the cricket pitch,” vowed Raju, who was “accidentally” dropped off in Somalia by his dad a few years back.

“We will not eat, I tell you…Dada, dada, dada,” he added.

“You sonofabitch, we are not going to eat anyway, this is f***ing Somalia, man,” screamed Qaamuuska Magacyada, who had learnt to speak English during summer afternoons since lunch was conspicuous by its absence anyway.

However the recent failure of Team India had consequences far more serious than the unnecessary ranting of a third world monkey stuck in a fourth world country.

In a sort of weird development, the selection meeting scheduled in Mumbai has been shifted to Delhi where selectors will meet BCCI chief Sharad Pawar before they choose the team on Thursday.

This was considered weird because anyone with half-a-brain can tell you that all Indians have to do are stop drinking aerated drinks and concentrate on running between the wickets. Even a retard will tell you that Dhoni should learn how to bat.

Pallavan, a retard from Alipore Mental Hospital in Kolkata, vouched for the same. “Ahhhh…bahhhh…hmmmm…Dhoni…ahhhh…cannot..CANNOT…CANNOT bat for nuts…peanuts…CASHEWNUTS…Bahhhhh,” he said after being sedated for purposes of including his stupid-ass comment.

All said and done, after the smoke clears up, just before the dawn breaks effervescently and all that clichéd crap…Team India must think of a change in career.

We, at Blah, recommend that they immediately enroll themselves as crash test dummies for Monster Trucks. If not for safety concerns, then at least for laughs.

F**k Team India.

F**k Pawar.

F**k anyone who can’t cope with the fact that Indian cricket team not only sucks, but also swallows.

We are poor tourists, admits Team India

Cape Town, November 28: After two thrashings at the hands of the South Africans, the Indian cricket team members have confessed that they are a "helpless lot". This was revealed to Blah after the cricketers read the Indian newspapers, which reached Cape Town courtesy the stuttering Air India Cape Town-Mumbai flight.

"Oi, I can't take it anymore. I miss my Punjabi friend Yuvraj Singh, and everyone's making fun of my turban," said Harbhajan Singh, while blowing his nose, "I agree that foreigners do eat a lot of green vegetables but it's nothing in comparison to the sarson da saag we get back home. I also miss bhangra, especially Balle Balle channel."

Greg Chappell, the Indian coach, who in fact is an Australian but then he works for the BCCI we have come to a conclusion that he is the Indian coach - only not. Nevertheless, the Indian coach (cough, cough, choke, splutter) said that he had never seen such incompetent bunch of losers.

"Rahul Dravid wants dosas in the morning; that village bumpkin Munaf (Patel) keeps gawking at high-rise buildings; (Virender) Sehwag is busy staring at the bikini-clad women in the stands and Sachin (Tendulkar) is obviously gay."

The Indians have had their asses whipped by every team in South Africa, which included a team that comprised of discarded players from the South African team.

Wicketkeeper MS Dhoni has faced new challenges. He has not been able to complete his morning ablutions in peace. "It's bherri difficult. I have to balance myself on the commode to do the needphull Bihari style. Not good bhaiya, not good at all."

Other team members echoed Dhoni's words claiming that it is hot during the winter and the Castle Lager beer is too light for their liking.

The Men in Blue are on a long tour. Given the manner in which they go about their job - on or off the field - it would take a while before India would win a Test series in a country other than their own.

Ed note: We still don't consider Bangaladesh, Pakistan and Sri Lanka as countries that fall on the overseas category.

Breaking news: Dutt gets fucked…but not “proper fucked”

Mumbai: Bollywood actor Sanjay Dutt has been pronounced guilty in the 1993 Mumbai serial blasts case, but only under the Arms Act and not TADA. This prompted the actor to scream, “Taaadaaaa I am free, you suckers…muhahahahahaha.”

However Dutt started crying inconsolably when he realized that he could get a maximum sentence of three years, despite everyone concerned believing that he got off easily. “He didn’t get proper fucked, man,” said one inconsequential fellow who apparently came over to see what the fuss was all about.

Bollywood has come out in open support of Dutt with director Karan Johar welcoming the verdict with open legs…er open arms. “Dutt is a tall man. Hmmm…tall,” said the supremely gay director.

Salman Khan, who was still lurking near the court premises, asking Dutt who his daddy was and what he was going to do about the impending sentence certainly didn’t help matters.

Adding to his Dutt’s growing list of woes, the judge also ordered a group of hermaphrodites to spit at him for wearing a ballerina outfit.

Dutt ducks trial, runs like a bitch

Mumbai: A legend in Bollywood and hopelessly going over the hill in life (thereby becoming uglier and more repulsive), Sanjay Dutt on Tuesday appeared before the TADA court in Mumbai, which is likely to deliver the verdict on his alleged role in the 1993 serial bomb blasts case.

Emotions ran high as Mr Dutt appeared on court premises wearing a ballerina outfit with balloons tied to his polka-dotted belt. Salman Khan, who was nearby running over street urchins and blowing the heads of domestic fauna, immediately stripped off his shirt and tried uplifting Mr Dutt’s spirits.

After knocking Mr Khan out cold with a stinging kick to the groin, Dutt proceeded to approach the media, who were frothing in the mouth with delight. “Harre bhaiyas, as you know, a great injustice has been committed. India, my mother, is not ready to forgive me for the sins of my past. As Bollywood knows, I take great pride in admiring my feminine side. I cannot believe that the law is breathing down my neck. Tell me, bhaiyas, should I be punished when my only crime was to wear a frock and expose myself indecently in front of a school bus.”

Minutes later, after the laughter and name-calling died down, he was told that he was on trial for allegedly receiving three AK-56 rifles, its ammunition, 9 mm pistol, its cartridges and hand grenades which were part of the consignment smuggled by Tiger Memon to set off a series of blasts in Mumbai on March 12, 1993.

“Ohhhhhhhhhhh shitttttttttttttttttttt,” cried out Mr Dutt as he dragged the semi-conscious Salman, threw him into the jeep and drove away as fast as only an ageing actor could.

Witnesses claim that 12 vagabonds and 6 elderly women crossing the street were viciously run over by the duo on the run.

Ballswami causes panic in Blah

On-Board Bangalore-Chennai Mail: Two staff reporters from Blah Online, Painkiller and Randombeast, went to Chennai for the weekend but came back with more than just bad memories. They came back as men tortured by unholy imagery of macabre proportions.

“Uhmmm…what the f**k, man, we didn’t have to see that,” quipped Randombeast before popping in a scheduled H drug to ease the pain.

“It’s not as though we aren’t f***ked enough in the head,” added Painkiller as he guzzles down yet another beer.

After calming down considerably, the rest of Blah were informed of the tragedy that took place.

Reading a dictated press release signed by Painkiller and Randombeast, Captain R (who has killed our former HR executive and hijacked the department) had this to say.

“We have been informed that Mr Killer and Mr Beast have suffered the ignominy of accidentally glancing at a random Swamiji’s (we are going to call him Ballswami cause we are actually heartless bastards) testicles on-board the Bangalore Mail. However we would like to inform that this holy man had no connection with the Kanchi Seer who reserves sightings of his testicular area only to small-screen actresses and middle-aged devotees.

As a result of the Ballswami’s revealing pose, Painkiller has suffered irrevocable damage to his cornea and the Beast has been vomiting blood ever since.

Therefore we will be unable to regularly update stories for this website. However we would also like to add that Blah Online bears no ill-well towards holy men, especially those prominent on cable channels. After all how many elderly men can look as calm as Hindu cows after nights of debauchery and rave parties.

On a completely different note, we also apologize for causing the colliery gas blast yesterday in north China's Shanxi province. That was certainly a practical joke gone horribly wrong. We didn’t mean any harm. Thank you very f***ing much for your precious time. Now sod off”

Ed note: Blah’s crack team of lawyers are taking time off from smoking crack and actually working on a case to overthrow Captain R’s tyranny in the HR department.

Ponting says sorry, Pawar mumbles

Mumbai, November 10: After all the brouhaha over the controversy of the Australian cricket team getting involved in some kid of "Pawar Play", the issue was settled after the Australian captain, Ricky Ponting apologized over his team's behavior.

Blah tapped Pawar's mobile phone to record the entire conversation and in turn managed to find out the scene.

"Am sorry mate," said Ponting to Pawar, "we wanted a team photo, but we wanted to remove a huge blob in front of us. Unfortunately that blob happened to be you."

"Mbgfhtdkfm tractor," said Pawar in reply.

"You see Damien (Martyn) could not understand what the f&*k were you doing in front of us. We didn't know that you were not popular with the press and you tried to gain some cheap attention."

"Mdsksd jdtlduf irrigation," said the BCCI chief cum Agricultural Minister.

"You know what mate? This sucks. Your team sucks. Sachin talks like a girl, Rahul is a wuss, your fastest bowler bowls medium pace, your 'keeper needs a haircut, you middle order cannot talk in English...and what's more you pay them millions after they keep lose match after match."

"Mgjfdtlxnvchfdtfdl pesticide."

"Do you know how to hold a bat, mate? I doubt it. How the f&^k in the world did you manage to become the BCCI chief? The grounds are too small, the people in the stands look like a pile of maggots squirming around behind barbed wires...and you overcharge them to watch their so-called heroes lose. It's pretty shitty, I tell you. Who the f^&k wants to play in towns like Bhubaneshwar, Jamshedpur, Gauhati???"

"Mhgdsfkdlfgidhj plough."

"What in the name of Steve Irwin are you saying???? Y'know what? Your only connection with cricket is green fields. Do find a spade and wait for the monsoon."

"Mhgftyjdlstrdfgbss paddy."

"Listen mate, I'm through with you. I'm sorry that I ever made this call." (Slams the phone)

"Mbdf sorry...sorry..mfgjskd.." (End of conversation).

Ed Note:

Pawar attended the press conference and a creep (journalist) asked: What were Ricky Ponting's comments on the incident?

Pawar replied, "Mghfkldsgd sorry."

"That's all?"

"Yes."