chutzpah

End Ram nips change in its infancy

2007-09-08T18:04:00.000+05:30

Blah Online is currently managed by one bloke who doesn't have access to blogger at his workplace. At home, his laptop has conspired with Reliance Wi-Fi broadband service to show him the finger. So we (actually I) have decided to start subscribing to reports from newspapers such as The Bindu and The Last Month Salary Due Express. Kickstarting this initiative is a report from The Bindu on yet another tremendously exciting topic that they are often known for.

CHENNAI: In a move that is likely to rock nothing but some jobless bastard's decaying social life, which he tries to fill up by reading the newspaper, The Bindu office in Chennai has decided to change the fonts on its sign board.

Holding a press conference on this matter at the press club located on Mount Road in Chennai during the none-too-wee hours of the morning when the stars of Venus aligned perfectly with those of Mars thereby subtly signaling that Brahmins are far superior to Dravidians, Jews and Negroes, Mr End Ram said that this change could mean more than what common folk could possibly conceive.

"At The Bindu, things don't change. For years we have been hurting your aural and visual senses by printing mundane shit that wouldn't look too out of place in your neighbour's arse or my own. As far as I can remember, you need to get rid of your backbone or at least drink bovine urine every morning to get your way around here. And its such a momentous occasion that The Bindu has decided to bring forth some sort of a change. Fonts are important. I remember once in 1956 when…."

At this point, a random sharp object was hurled at Mr End Ram by some irate dude who obviously didn't take a liking to the drawling, monotonous dribble that was being spewed forth. Subscribing to the dude's violent antics, several non-Brahmins and non-ass kissers started throwing random objects at Mr End Ram.

Several hours later, a bloodied and tattered Ram crawled up to the microphone and had this to say to the audience, which mostly consisted of puckered lips sticking to his rear end.

"Fuck it, the fonts are not going to change."

Fuck it indeed, Mr saffron-clad, mundane-as-watching-dung-dry, poo-faced sonofabitch...contuinue boring the daylights out of dawn. Fuck Ram, fuck The Hindu.

Doc in da house, says Karnataka CM

2007-07-30T11:58:00.001+05:30

BANGALORE: During the dying hours of Sunday, Karnataka CM Kumaraswamy said he would meet Indian doctor Mohammed Haneef, who returned here from Australia after being cleared of terrorism charges, and offer him a government job.

Expressing happiness over the doctor’s return, the CM drooled, spilled coffee over this reporter’s shoes and mumbled incoherently about making an offer when he meets Haneef and his family.

Also in the pipeline for Haneef for not getting eaten by a rabid dingo or viciously pecked to death by psychotic kookaburras are three bags of rice, sixty cups of sambhar and a pen.

“We give food, job and everything for doctor; the doctor is in the house, please make some noise,” said Kumaraswamy, adding “Word…Life…To my mother y’all.”

'Missing' in Bangalore

2007-07-27T09:27:00.000+05:30

BANGALORE: Despite Bangalore’s place on the global educational map, a large number of foreign students are finding it terribly unsafe to study in the city. According to Balaiya Ramsay, a senior police official and erstwhile drunkard, a lot of foreigners who come here to pursue their education often go missing and are never to be found again.

Gulping cheap vodka straight from the bottle, Balaiya said, “It is sad, but true. Just like that Medallica song.” At this point, from out of nowhere a kid, sporting an Iron Maiden T-shirt and several tattoos, lands in front of the camera and screams “Metal rules baby!”

After thumping the kid over the head with tripod, this website’s reporter queried Balaiya further on the matter.

When asked if he knew why Jason Newsted quit the band, the police official immediately quipped, “that is because he is white. And stupid. Bloody ungrateful asshole.”

“Dammit I will kill him; I will kill that white bastard.”

“I tell you, all white people should be killed. Spoiling namma Bengalaroo with their filth and money. They will go missing. I swear on my grandfather’s grave, I will make sure they all go missing,” he yelled, with veins popping out of his face.

After consuming whatever was left in the vodka bottle, Balaiya calmed down and slowly took his revolver out. Two minutes and a loud shattering noise later, Bangalore remained just as unsafe.

Kalam's hair-raising experience at Anna University

2007-07-27T09:25:00.000+05:30

CHENNAI: Former President A P J Abdul Kalam had planned to give an idiosyncratic profile for ‘India 2020’ in 10 points while meeting the faculty members of the Anna University on Thursday.

Before copies of the profile could be distributed amongst the members, Kalam gazed at an imaginary light bulb that popped up next to his ears and made a funny face. “Ahaaaa,” he squealed, “JOLLY, I am not the President anymore…I can do whatever I want.”

Much to the disdain of Kumari Saraswathi – the English professor – the former President flexed his thumbs, put his tongue out and joyously exclaimed, “I know something you don’t know, I know something you don’t know.”

Soon realising that no one actually gave a shit about what he knew, Kalam grabbed his own hair and ripped it off his head. “It’s a WIG,” he yelled, “Now you know something I also know, you know something I also know,” he added with a creepy smile on his face.

At this point, Kumari Saraswathi fainted and had to be rushed to Saravana Bhavan for a sambhar shot.

Both shocked and unpleasantly surprised by the former President’s shenanigans, the faculty members slowly dispersed; few of them were heard muttering the word “idiot” on their way out.

Police soon barricaded the conference room at Anna University, as members of the press caught a fleeting glimpse of Kalam impersonating MGR and doing a really bad rendition of “Neeyum Naanum Ma, Kanna Neeyum Naanum Ma.”

Cricket fans scale new heights in stupidity

2006-11-30T10:19:00.000+05:30

NEW DELHI//PORT ELIZABETH/SOMALIA: After the hilarious thrashing of Pepsi Boys…er…Team India by South Africa, Indian cricket has tainted itself once again by nose diving into the murky waters of politics.

A day before the selectors pick the team for Tests in South Africa, it's not just the Left that's talking about Ganguly’s return - even some random Indian in Somalia is.

“Dada’s return is inevitable. I, for one, have staged a hunger rally here in Somalia…we will not eat until Dada returns to the cricket pitch,” vowed Raju, who was “accidentally” dropped off in Somalia by his dad a few years back.

“We will not eat, I tell you…Dada, dada, dada,” he added.

“You sonofabitch, we are not going to eat anyway, this is f***ing Somalia, man,” screamed Qaamuuska Magacyada, who had learnt to speak English during summer afternoons since lunch was conspicuous by its absence anyway.

However the recent failure of Team India had consequences far more serious than the unnecessary ranting of a third world monkey stuck in a fourth world country.

In a sort of weird development, the selection meeting scheduled in Mumbai has been shifted to Delhi where selectors will meet BCCI chief Sharad Pawar before they choose the team on Thursday.

This was considered weird because anyone with half-a-brain can tell you that all Indians have to do are stop drinking aerated drinks and concentrate on running between the wickets. Even a retard will tell you that Dhoni should learn how to bat.

Pallavan, a retard from Alipore Mental Hospital in Kolkata, vouched for the same. “Ahhhh…bahhhh…hmmmm…Dhoni…ahhhh…cannot..CANNOT…CANNOT bat for nuts…peanuts…CASHEWNUTS…Bahhhhh,” he said after being sedated for purposes of including his stupid-ass comment.

All said and done, after the smoke clears up, just before the dawn breaks effervescently and all that clichéd crap…Team India must think of a change in career.

We, at Blah, recommend that they immediately enroll themselves as crash test dummies for Monster Trucks. If not for safety concerns, then at least for laughs.

F**k Team India.

F**k Pawar.

F**k anyone who can’t cope with the fact that Indian cricket team not only sucks, but also swallows.

We are poor tourists, admits Team India

2006-11-28T18:42:00.000+05:30

Cape Town, November 28: After two thrashings at the hands of the South Africans, the Indian cricket team members have confessed that they are a "helpless lot". This was revealed to Blah after the cricketers read the Indian newspapers, which reached Cape Town courtesy the stuttering Air India Cape Town-Mumbai flight.

"Oi, I can't take it anymore. I miss my Punjabi friend Yuvraj Singh, and everyone's making fun of my turban," said Harbhajan Singh, while blowing his nose, "I agree that foreigners do eat a lot of green vegetables but it's nothing in comparison to the sarson da saag we get back home. I also miss bhangra, especially Balle Balle channel."

Greg Chappell, the Indian coach, who in fact is an Australian but then he works for the BCCI we have come to a conclusion that he is the Indian coach - only not. Nevertheless, the Indian coach (cough, cough, choke, splutter) said that he had never seen such incompetent bunch of losers.

"Rahul Dravid wants dosas in the morning; that village bumpkin Munaf (Patel) keeps gawking at high-rise buildings; (Virender) Sehwag is busy staring at the bikini-clad women in the stands and Sachin (Tendulkar) is obviously gay."

The Indians have had their asses whipped by every team in South Africa, which included a team that comprised of discarded players from the South African team.

Wicketkeeper MS Dhoni has faced new challenges. He has not been able to complete his morning ablutions in peace. "It's bherri difficult. I have to balance myself on the commode to do the needphull Bihari style. Not good bhaiya, not good at all."

Other team members echoed Dhoni's words claiming that it is hot during the winter and the Castle Lager beer is too light for their liking.

The Men in Blue are on a long tour. Given the manner in which they go about their job - on or off the field - it would take a while before India would win a Test series in a country other than their own.

Ed note: We still don't consider Bangaladesh, Pakistan and Sri Lanka as countries that fall on the overseas category.

Breaking news: Dutt gets fucked…but not “proper fucked”

2006-11-28T15:14:00.001+05:30

Mumbai: Bollywood actor Sanjay Dutt has been pronounced guilty in the 1993 Mumbai serial blasts case, but only under the Arms Act and not TADA. This prompted the actor to scream, “Taaadaaaa I am free, you suckers…muhahahahahaha.”

However Dutt started crying inconsolably when he realized that he could get a maximum sentence of three years, despite everyone concerned believing that he got off easily. “He didn’t get proper fucked, man,” said one inconsequential fellow who apparently came over to see what the fuss was all about.

Bollywood has come out in open support of Dutt with director Karan Johar welcoming the verdict with open legs…er open arms. “Dutt is a tall man. Hmmm…tall,” said the supremely gay director.

Salman Khan, who was still lurking near the court premises, asking Dutt who his daddy was and what he was going to do about the impending sentence certainly didn’t help matters.

Adding to his Dutt’s growing list of woes, the judge also ordered a group of hermaphrodites to spit at him for wearing a ballerina outfit.

Dutt ducks trial, runs like a bitch

2006-11-28T12:43:00.001+05:30

Mumbai: A legend in Bollywood and hopelessly going over the hill in life (thereby becoming uglier and more repulsive), Sanjay Dutt on Tuesday appeared before the TADA court in Mumbai, which is likely to deliver the verdict on his alleged role in the 1993 serial bomb blasts case.

Emotions ran high as Mr Dutt appeared on court premises wearing a ballerina outfit with balloons tied to his polka-dotted belt. Salman Khan, who was nearby running over street urchins and blowing the heads of domestic fauna, immediately stripped off his shirt and tried uplifting Mr Dutt’s spirits.

After knocking Mr Khan out cold with a stinging kick to the groin, Dutt proceeded to approach the media, who were frothing in the mouth with delight. “Harre bhaiyas, as you know, a great injustice has been committed. India, my mother, is not ready to forgive me for the sins of my past. As Bollywood knows, I take great pride in admiring my feminine side. I cannot believe that the law is breathing down my neck. Tell me, bhaiyas, should I be punished when my only crime was to wear a frock and expose myself indecently in front of a school bus.”

Minutes later, after the laughter and name-calling died down, he was told that he was on trial for allegedly receiving three AK-56 rifles, its ammunition, 9 mm pistol, its cartridges and hand grenades which were part of the consignment smuggled by Tiger Memon to set off a series of blasts in Mumbai on March 12, 1993.

“Ohhhhhhhhhhh shitttttttttttttttttttt,” cried out Mr Dutt as he dragged the semi-conscious Salman, threw him into the jeep and drove away as fast as only an ageing actor could.

Witnesses claim that 12 vagabonds and 6 elderly women crossing the street were viciously run over by the duo on the run.

Ballswami causes panic in Blah

2006-11-27T18:38:00.000+05:30

On-Board Bangalore-Chennai Mail: Two staff reporters from Blah Online, Painkiller and Randombeast, went to Chennai for the weekend but came back with more than just bad memories. They came back as men tortured by unholy imagery of macabre proportions.

“Uhmmm…what the f**k, man, we didn’t have to see that,” quipped Randombeast before popping in a scheduled H drug to ease the pain.

“It’s not as though we aren’t f***ked enough in the head,” added Painkiller as he guzzles down yet another beer.

After calming down considerably, the rest of Blah were informed of the tragedy that took place.

Reading a dictated press release signed by Painkiller and Randombeast, Captain R (who has killed our former HR executive and hijacked the department) had this to say.

“We have been informed that Mr Killer and Mr Beast have suffered the ignominy of accidentally glancing at a random Swamiji’s (we are going to call him Ballswami cause we are actually heartless bastards) testicles on-board the Bangalore Mail. However we would like to inform that this holy man had no connection with the Kanchi Seer who reserves sightings of his testicular area only to small-screen actresses and middle-aged devotees.

As a result of the Ballswami’s revealing pose, Painkiller has suffered irrevocable damage to his cornea and the Beast has been vomiting blood ever since.

Therefore we will be unable to regularly update stories for this website. However we would also like to add that Blah Online bears no ill-well towards holy men, especially those prominent on cable channels. After all how many elderly men can look as calm as Hindu cows after nights of debauchery and rave parties.

On a completely different note, we also apologize for causing the colliery gas blast yesterday in north China's Shanxi province. That was certainly a practical joke gone horribly wrong. We didn’t mean any harm. Thank you very f***ing much for your precious time. Now sod off”

Ed note: Blah’s crack team of lawyers are taking time off from smoking crack and actually working on a case to overthrow Captain R’s tyranny in the HR department.

Ponting says sorry, Pawar mumbles

2006-11-10T18:10:00.000+05:30

Mumbai, November 10: After all the brouhaha over the controversy of the Australian cricket team getting involved in some kid of "Pawar Play", the issue was settled after the Australian captain, Ricky Ponting apologized over his team's behavior.

Blah tapped Pawar's mobile phone to record the entire conversation and in turn managed to find out the scene.

"Am sorry mate," said Ponting to Pawar, "we wanted a team photo, but we wanted to remove a huge blob in front of us. Unfortunately that blob happened to be you."

"Mbgfhtdkfm tractor," said Pawar in reply.

"You see Damien (Martyn) could not understand what the f&*k were you doing in front of us. We didn't know that you were not popular with the press and you tried to gain some cheap attention."

"Mdsksd jdtlduf irrigation," said the BCCI chief cum Agricultural Minister.

"You know what mate? This sucks. Your team sucks. Sachin talks like a girl, Rahul is a wuss, your fastest bowler bowls medium pace, your 'keeper needs a haircut, you middle order cannot talk in English...and what's more you pay them millions after they keep lose match after match."

"Mgjfdtlxnvchfdtfdl pesticide."

"Do you know how to hold a bat, mate? I doubt it. How the f&^k in the world did you manage to become the BCCI chief? The grounds are too small, the people in the stands look like a pile of maggots squirming around behind barbed wires...and you overcharge them to watch their so-called heroes lose. It's pretty shitty, I tell you. Who the f^&k wants to play in towns like Bhubaneshwar, Jamshedpur, Gauhati???"

"Mhgdsfkdlfgidhj plough."

"What in the name of Steve Irwin are you saying???? Y'know what? Your only connection with cricket is green fields. Do find a spade and wait for the monsoon."

"Mhgftyjdlstrdfgbss paddy."

"Listen mate, I'm through with you. I'm sorry that I ever made this call." (Slams the phone)

"Mbdf sorry...sorry..mfgjskd.." (End of conversation).

Ed Note:

Pawar attended the press conference and a creep (journalist) asked: What were Ricky Ponting's comments on the incident?

Pawar replied, "Mghfkldsgd sorry."

"That's all?"

"Yes."

A public outrage announcement message from Blah

2006-11-10T09:52:00.000+05:30

Bangalore: We, at Blah Online, are mean. Ruthless, heartless, cynical, vindictive and often pissed-off. Despite being guys of such nature, good things do happen to us once in a while.

Due to continued support from the readers (or rather the lack of it), we have finally collected enough funding to blow up at least one national monument. Unfortunately our options are restricted to buildings in India since we don’t have enough money to book international flights.

Ideally we would have loved to detonate bio-chemical bombs somewhere near the vicinity of the White House, the home of IR Baboon, or the MTV headquarters in New York, which is responsible for releasing 1,567 reality shows and 3,456 horrible rock bands every day.

But we have set these targets as our long-term goals.

For now, we are setting alight many cigarettes hoping to decide on whether or not we should spend the money for revolutionary purposes or just use it to save the Humpback whale.

Blah’s Editorial Team adds

Ah…screw the whales. Screw the revolution too.

We are going to use the cash to hire somebody to kill Wesley Snipes.

That bastard can’t act even if you held a gun to his head, so what the hell…might as well pull the trigger.

“Cannibal” on the loose in city; half-eaten head severely ignored

2006-11-09T10:57:00.000+05:30

Bangalore: Making a shocking announcement that there is a cannibal on the loose in Indiranagar, the hapless residents at HAL Second Stage have expressed their fears in getting out of their houses.

“We can’t even go out for a piss,” said Mr Jujuto Baby Menon. When asked why he didn’t take a piss at his own house, he merely replied, “I have 2 rooms with 16 roommates.”

Earlier today, potty-mouthed, corrupted cops from the Indiranagar police station paid a visit to HAL Second stage to verify the claims reported by the seemingly freaked-out families residing in that area.

Unfortunately the only evidence they could gather was a half-eaten human head with pieces of the medulla oblangata missing. According to senior officer Mr Ennadu Palayaddu Nannadu, this was “insufficient and irrelevant evidence” further citing that such occurrences were very unspectacular.

“Lot of dags (dogs) here, there…er…everywhere…er…so… half-eating (eaten) head is not ishtrange (strange)…yes…er…bah…er…Kannada rules, baby,” said E P Nannadu.

However the citizens (yes…Malayalees, Telugus, Tamilians and tall people included) of Indiranagar refuse to ignore the looming threat of being horrifically dismembered and eaten.

“It is not safe for any of us…poor Jujuto hasn’t taken a piss in over 2 months and the old couple living down the street are dead…and oh god, this is too much…I bought a new cellphone with 17.4 pixels and an attached vacuum cleaner …All I wanted to do was to spray on 12 bottles of deodorant and walk down MG Road, showing-off my phone…am I asking for too much? Oh god, please save us,” cries Shining Jasmine Varghese, the 13th member of Jujuto’s pigeon coop…oops…I mean, apartment.

The burning question will continue to haunt these innocent people as only time will tell if there really is a cannibal on the hunt in this overcrowded city.

Chennai man in coma after reading TOI

2006-11-07T13:59:00.000+05:30

Bangalore, November 7: Brought up on a diet of The Hindu's extremely socialist but almost democrat and closet communist reportage, a 25-year-old Chennaitte landed in a coma when he read The Times of India on Tuesday morning.

Venkatesh started his day in a city hotel, where he ordered a cup of coffee and "today's paper". It is assumed that Venkatesh went into a convulsion on seeing the last page of The Bangalore Times. He was clutching the supplement paper, while his finger pointed to the article "SRK takes Dilip Kumar's autograph!".

"This is not uncommon," said Raju AK, a random cop, "people from Chennai are brought up to believe that newspapers are supposed to provide news."

This is not the first time that a person had been seriously hospitalized after reading TOI. In 2004 a 24-year-old youth from Chennai had to admitted to NIMHANS after he went running around HSR Layout in the nude screaming, "Who cares if their name is Rahul?"

On that fateful day TOI put two humongous pictures of Rahul Dravid and Rahul Gandhi on the front page while the headline read "Rahul & Rahul".

TOI is known for their bad stories and even worse headlines but some reason appeals to the public. The Hindu, on the other hand is trying to look "cool" but only ends up looking like a moron who wears a sleeveless t-shirt with the words "Nike - Just did it".

"TOI is crap," said Hamdoon, a student from a journalism college in Chennai, "Hindu makes you wanna smoke crack, New Indian Express is as cheap as the price. Don't get me started about Deccan Chronicle, you know why? Chronicle makes Express look good."

Nelson Paedo, a creepy reporter believe that the headlines in TOI are a work of art, "Think about it. One-day Mataram... Isn't that a great way to celebrate Indian cricket?"

Meanwhile, Blah contacted The Hindu's head honcho, N Ram, who had only one word to say about the trauma faced by Chennaittes outside Chennai.

"Woof."

Bengalured!!!

2006-11-06T18:10:00.000+05:30

Due to our gross laziness and venture into the corporate world, Blah’s Bangalore edition will take its own sweet time to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting hordes in Bengalaru (by the way, this name stinks as much as Puducherry…what is wrong with you morons?).

Until we start a mini-bar or an opium den… or at least until we get net connection at our home, take your eyes off the goddam monitor and do something useful.

A list of things that might want to consider

1) Kill yourself for not realizing that you are a closet philanthropist

2) Kill someone else…just for the heck of it

3) Get a haircut

4) Introduce the business end of a pick-axe to anyone who goes window shopping at second-hand bookstores

5) Study law and become the first Indian to star in an American courtroom sitcom without having to learn how to drive a taxi or wear a turban without looking like Harbhajan Singh’s bitch

6) Call up Little Italy and refer to them as communist bastards. Offer no reason whatsoever

7) Blow the crap out of Brigade Road. Contact Blah for valid reasons

8) Leave your family and start thinking about repopulating Dodos. If you look kinda ugly, all you have to do is have sex with an Air Deccan pilot. And the world will finally be able to see what an ugly bird, which can’t fly, looks like

9) Count the number of Malayalees in Bangalore and multiply them by 124. And that figure represents the entire population of Uganda

10) Shark Tooth is not Blue Tooth. Now quickly unlearn this and drown your stupid-ass camera/washing machine/Mars rover cellphone in a bottle of vodka

Bangalored!!!

2006-10-30T18:20:00.000+05:30

Bangalore, 30 October: This city is funnier than we thought. The ever-growing city of Bangalore has not failed to throw up surprises and the Blah staff have compiled a list of observations that would kickstart Blah's Bangalore edition.

Observation # 1: Apostrophe not required in the IT city.
A bakery in Indira Nagar, which sells cigarettes among other things, thought it is was wise to leave out apostrophe in its sign board, thereby morphing Anu's Bakery into Anus Bakery.

Observation # 2: Ask what you want in Kannadalish.
When a hotel which has a name like Hyper City and it lists veg burger in its menu, it is wise to opt for a veggie bergerrrrr, or else you'll end up with veg fried rice.

Observation # 3: Landlords have it easy.
While house hunting, this landlord was adamant that the potential tenants would not find the house in question. When asked for a landmark, the curt reply was : petrol bunk in Indira Nagar.

Observation # 4: Chennai autos vs Bangalore autos?
In Chennai the auto refused to move his ass if the distance was too long, a quick 2 km ride is welcome anyday. In Bangalore if the area is less than 2 km, the auto guys would rather wait for the next customer may be thespian Rajkumar or his turd cleaner.

Observation # 5: Walk up MG Road and don't turn back.
MG Road consists of this eccelectic bunch of people who can walk up and down the same place and not realize that they are passing by the same shops for the 6701427th time that day. But then, they all have nowhere to go.

Observation # 6: Pubs crawlers don't crawl no more.
Instead they stumble in and out and scream their heads off to announce that they got high on Peco's flat beer.

Observation # 7: Blah staff scratch their heads
...and we are happy that we have lots more to offer after observing all of the above in 24 hours.

I am not married to my job: Animal Husbandry Minister

2006-10-19T16:42:00.000+05:30

Chennai, October 19: Tamil Nadu's Animal Husbandry Minister, Jeevan G, insists that he is not married to his job. This was announced at a press conference near the slaughterhouse at Perambur on Thursday.

The minister's marriage is rumored to be in turmoil after his wife claimed that he is spending too much time in office. Jeevan is known to be a dedicated minister and spends more than 15 hours a day with animals.

"I am married to my wife, no one else," said the Animal Husbandry Minister, "all this talk of me cheating on her is nothing but rubbish. People take all kinds of garbage with a pinch of salt."

"I have to meet a lot of people due to the nature of my job, a lot of women are involved in my field. That may may have triggered off the rumors." continued Jeevan,"but then, we all know that man is a social animal."

When asked if it was true that he could scratch his ears with his toes, Jeevan nonchalantly demonstrated the incredible stunt and proceeded to say that his "animal instincts" has grown stronger ever since he was elected.

"The better I know men, the more I admire dogs," he said.

Meanwhile, the Fisheries Minister Ameen, said that Jeevan is using his divorce issue as a publicity stunt.

When The Mon Comes Around

2006-10-17T12:08:00.000+05:30

Jamaica, October 17: Troubled by the descent of one of the world's most prestigious literary prizes – MAN Booker prize – into a medium that only celebrates social causes in literature, the Jamaican Literary Circle (JLC) have announced their own award – MON Booker prize.

“Yeah mon, dis is da shit, mon…full on focus on literature, mon,” said Sammyboy, member and co-founder of JLC.

This year after Kiran Desi won the MAN Booker prize for The Inheritance of Loss, Sammyboy couldn’t take it no more!

“What is this, mon, last year it was that Irish cat - John Banville – and now some Asian womon – when is the black mon gonna get some respect around here, mon,” he said, hurriedly puffing on an unnaturally large cigarette, which had an odd smell too.

When asked about the impending MON Booker shortlist for 2006, Bizzy Edward, the other co-founder said that nothing has been decided despite “some very cool” books due for release.

“Lotsa good writers around, you hear…fine young black writers…good for nothing, better at writing, mon…I personally think that Demuja’s Dreadlocked For Battle and Ziggy Pinoto’s Jah Ain’t German, Biyatch are favourites to win, mon,” said Bizzy.

So one might wonder…is there money to be won or is it just literary acclaim?

“Money!? Mon, you push the black mon down by dealin with money and shit. It ain’t about the money, mon,” blurted out Sammyboy before being shoved away by Bizzy, who screamed at this reporter for being a “capitalist swine” and then proceeded to dance to an imaginary reggae beat.

Fight the power, folks. Fight the prize presented by one of the world's largest futures contract brokers and a leading global provider of alternative investment products.

Screw you, MAN.

Blah's attempt at social work

2006-10-13T18:08:00.000+05:30

by D Agarwal.
Marwadi par-excellence from Sowcarpet, who wants to emulate the losers in American Pie.

I am not a happy man. I have tried so hard and yet there is no response from the females of this earth. I tried so much, but no response. So this is my humble request to all the ladies and gentlemen reading Blah to help me.

I suspect that me sharing a house with my mom, dad, three brothers, two sisters, four uncles, four wifes of uncles, my grandparents and their parents has probably led me to believe that there is a reason why I'm not going to get any for a long time.

Is something wrong when I wear the gold and black shirt that I wear? The way I stand in front of the theatre featuring Maharaj Shah Rukh Khan's latest film? The way I cry when Maharaj cries, The way I laugh when me orders me to laugh, the way I use that brand of soap which he told me to use while he was lying in a bath-tub filled with rose petals. Please remember, I am not a Shah Rukh Khan fan: I comb my hair like John Abraham.

My business has given me big responsibilities, and with great responsibilities comes great power. Yes sir, I'm a poet too, I kid you not. But for some reason I seem to be missing something. I would like to point out that my business is big.

I have money, I can give the females all the luxury that they want in my house, she just have to serve me breakfast, cooking will be done by others. I promise unlimited supply of partners during the dandiya nights and antakshiri sessions. We will not share our bedroom with others and I promise every night phone calls to your parents from my mobile. I promise never to send "Tu Hai Mere Majnu" messages to unknown women. I also will stop giving blank calls to the phone numbers I found in the second-hand mobile I buyed from that guy in Ritchie Street. I am a simple man with simple tastes, so I expect the woman to be the same. Just don't forget to use bright red lipstick everyday.

Moreover, I pledge that I will not spit paan inside our room.

So, brothers and sisters (except the ones who are interested in me), please respond to Blah and leave me your profile. I promise to keep all my promises for you.

Why Bangalore fears social inactivity more than AIDS

2006-10-12T10:56:00.000+05:30

Bangalore, October 10: In a recent study conducted by the Society of Scientists Who Have Nothing Better To Do in Bangalore (SSWHNBTDB), 12 out of every 14 teenagers walking on MG Road don’t actually know what they are doing there.

“Uhhmmmmmm…duuhhhhhh…uhhhhh…well, I thought I saw my friend, so uhmmmm….uhhhhh…I started following him on MG Road,” said Bailvaan, a student of Christ College in Bangalore.

When asked if he had any friends who weren’t just pigments of his own tortured imagination, young Bailvaan started crying inconsolably.

Dr Nagupambu of SSWHNBTDB said that it was not uncommon for Bangalore-based teenagers to create their own silly reasons to just wander about on MG Road. “It is tragic that kids these days are so goddam stupid,” said Dr Nagupambu.

After a few minutes of silence, out came the truth.

“Daddy didn’t give me much affection,” blurted the good doctor.

However not all of Bangalore’s teen population are completely clueless. Some of them actually think that they have valid reasons to visit places like MG Road and Brigade Road.

“My mom upgraded my credit card to platinum status,” quipped one Ms Kavitha, only to be silenced by Ms Menuka who started yelling about how she wanted people to let out oohs and ahhs after seeing her new leather purse.

“So that’s why we go to MG Road,” yelped the two women who had taken precious time from their meaningless lives to add fuel to the fire that was already burning in this reporter’s abdomen.

As Kavitha walked away with her leather bag shining recklessly in the afternoon sun on MG Road, not many oohs or ahhs were heard, only a string of incomprehensible syllables were heard as young Bailvaan walked towards the two girls, muttering under his breath “I have friends, I have friends, I have friends.”

No you don’t, Bailvaan.

And if not for second-hand bookstores and Peecos, I would gladly detonate the f**k out of MG road.

Man tricks storekeeper, police amused

2006-10-11T18:44:00.000+05:30

Bangalore, October 11: Heard of a storekeeper fleecing customers? Maybe. Ever heard of a customer fleecing a storekeeper? The latter became a reality on Tuesday when a man "cheated" a storekeeper, only for the storekeeper to realzie it before it was too late.

A middle-aged man walked into a departmental store on 100 Feet Road and asked for a tube of Colgate toothpaste. The toothpaste manufacturer, Colgate, had a "Buy One, Get One Free" offer going on.

"He was very persuasive," said Mahesh, the storekeeper who fell to the ploy of the trickster, "at that moment it seemed logical to me. But then, logic can be defined in many ways."

The trickster offered to buy one tube from the "Buy One, Get One Free" offer and pay half the price since the company was offering (logically speaking), a tube of toothpaste at half the price. Hence, the Rs 65 offer of the 200 gm+200gm toothpaste was sold at Rs 32.50 for 200gm.

"Ha! Ha! This is a surreal case," said sub-inspector IBM Gowda, amid peals of laughter "it seemed like a planned assault and it would have passed as an innocent request if the transaction had not been made. Shakespeare would have summed this up really well, I guess. By the way did you know that Will ol' boy did pot?"

When asked what actions would the police take, IBM Gowda replied: "Nothing! Can you believe it? Let anarchy rule, let fraudsters go all out against IT companies too, let the city burn and let the world know that jobs in Bangalore needs to be Bangalored to Shimoga."

This brings into focus about the security question: Should cameras be installed by shops, be it a paan shop or a general store?

When Sania beat Hingis

2006-10-02T18:42:00.000+05:30

Machilipatnam, October 2: On the birth anniversary of India's father of the nation, a shocking secret has been revealed: Sania Mirza did not beat Martina Hingis - her Telegu brothers had a hand behind her forehand (sic).

This was revealed by Blah reporter, Probe Deeps, who accidentally got into the wrong train on his way to Wayanad. Having nothing much to do but hang around Machilipatnam post office, Probe Deeps stumbled upon the secret meeting of TBS (Telegu Brothers of Sania Mirza).

Apparently, after her loss to Hingis at Hyderabad, Chiranjeevi threatened Hingis over the phone. The Telegu superstar then performed a wheelie on his bike outside the 10th floor the hotel room of the Swiss Miss to make his point.

Ex-Andhra CM Chandrababu Naidu hacked into the tournament's computer system change the score in Sania's favor.

Telegu’s answer to Vijaykanth - Balakrishna aka Balayya, got a ticket to the Hingis-Sania match at Korea. He then proceeded to make the ball bounce to Sania's liking by performing a special pooja in the stadium much to the Korean organizers' dismay. Finally, the entire north block of the stadium, which was filled with TBS members, screamed ‘backhandu’, ‘forehandu’ and replied ‘I love you too’ whenever the umpire mentioned the score as ‘Love’.

This was as a moral victory for the TBS. Sania was ecstatic after the win and forgot the basics of tennis in the next match where she lost to some obscure player from Uzbekistan.

Déjà vu all over again.

Brazilian plane goes missing; we can’t find it, cry authorities

2006-09-30T11:52:00.000+05:30

Sao Paulo, September 30: A Brazilian plane with 155 people on board disappeared over the Amazon jungle on Friday after colliding with a smaller plane.

Today morning, the Professional Air Traffic Controllers Organization (PATCO) held a press conference and admitted that the whole thing was “rather strange.”

GOL flight 1907, flying from the Amazon city of Manaus and bound for Brasilia, disappeared after losing radar contact, said initial reports.

Many authorities haven’t stopped scratching their receding hairlines ever since the news broke out. “We are baffled. Confused. Flummoxed. Unfortunately grossly incompetent too,” said one of the Brazilian authorities as he proceeded to fall out of his chair for no apparent reason.

“Please help us because we can’t find it. I really wish we weren’t so bad at what we do,” he said while trying not to sob in front of the camera.

Despite having no connection to the incident whatsoever, Chennai’s Greater Police squad have sworn on each one of their mothers’ graves that they would help the Brazilian government to track down the missing plane.

Guns R Coolswamy, chief of police, said that the person responsible for making the plane disappear would pay the price. “We accept credit cards and cheques too,” he quietly added.

Former magician-turned-rapper P James a.k.a P Jimmy has been brought in for questioning by the police due to rumours that he may somehow be involved in making the plane disappear with his ridiculous brand of magic.

“Yo dawg, I am into hip-hop these days. I ain’t into magic no more. That sh*t is whack, dawg,” screamed P James as uniformed officers dragged him to the Mylapore police station.

“Yo, you only hate me cause I am black,” Mr James added as seemingly pissed-off cops continued to beat the living crap out of him.

Dean Jones digs his own grave

2006-09-28T10:20:00.000+05:30

Sydney, September 28: Adding fresh twists to a forgotten controversy, former Aussie batsman Dean Jones said that his on-air “terrorism” remark was not intended to hurt the bearded Amla but rather to make his South African teammate Nicky Boje “feel like a piece of shit.”

Mr Jones lost a hefty commentating contract with Ten Sports after microphones picked him up saying “the terrorist has got another wicket” when Amla pouched a catch off the bowling of Boje in a Test match against Sri Lanka in Colombo.

Now Deano, as he is affectionately known to most of the Ku Klux Klan, has changed his version of the incident and held a press conference to convince everyone that he is “not making racist remarks about Osama” but merely “making racist comments against Boje”.

When told that it was Amla and not Osama that he was referring to, Deano replied, “whatever, same colour, mate”.

The former Australian cricketer also said he believed he had been forgiven for the remark, which was not intended to go to air. “It was an honest mistake, mate…I wouldn’t have said it if I knew that I was on-air. It’s not like I go around hitting coloured folks with my cricket bat.”

“At least, not in public…mate,” he quickly added.

“Cricket is a gentleman’s game and something as insignificant as racism should not affect it. Maybe it is unfortunate that terrorists such as Saqlain Mushtaq, Nicky Boje, Mohammed Yousuf, Kabir Ali, Mohammad Kaif, Zaheer Khan and many others are also talented cricketers, but yet I shouldn’t have said what I did. Next time, I’ll save my racist comments for pubs and family gatherings,” he further added.

We, at Blah Online, sincerely hope that Dean Jones gets a severe bout of Open Mouth-Insert Foot syndrome.

Choke on that, Deano.

England football stars in Bollywood movie!!!

2006-09-27T13:55:00.000+05:30

London, September 27: Chelsea and England football stars Frank Lampard and John Terry will star in the forthcoming Bollywood movie Jhoom Barabar Jhoom.

A panic stricken BlahOnline correspondent tried to confirm whether the numerous head-to-ball action had dislodged the brains of the Chelsea stars.

"It's time that the world see my theatricals on a movie screen instead of the football pitch," said Frank Lampard, who is pretty good at faking injuries on the pitch. "The world will see who I am," he continued, "Hollywood here I come!!!"

When told that it is a Bollywood movie, Lampard went stone-faced. "Bollywood? Isn't that an H?" he asked pointing to the alphabet B in the contract.

John Terry seemed to be a tad smarter than his teammate, "Now's my chance to kill that dumb bitch Ash Rai. She murdered my favorite Jane Austin character in that stupid East-West movie."

When asked if he is looking forward to seeing Abhishek Bachchan as a Chelsea fan.

"Abhishek? Isn't it supposed to be Amitabh?," he asked looking puzzled. When told it is Big B's son he is acting with, a not-so-calm Terry said, "Damn you F$%^&* Indians!! That f@%^&# should get wasted by the English football hooligans during the sets!!! Grrrr"

Chelsea's Micheal Ballack was not included in the scheme of things. The German star messed up his chance of a film debut by saying, "Achtung! Keel ze non-Aryans in gazz shamberr."

Meanwhile the Indian contingent seemed pleased with the deal. "I am a Chelsea fan," said Abhishek Bachchan, "David Beckham is my favorite player."

Will there be an Indian footballer in the movie? "Obviously we thought about that, Bhaichung Bhutia will be there in the movie," said the producers, Yash and Raj.

Will Lampard, Terry, Bachchan and Bhaichung work together and score a goal? "No, that's not gonna happen," said Yash, “Bhutia is Abhishek's watchman in the movie."

Chennai refuses to grow up...yet again

2006-09-26T12:07:00.000+05:30

Not the right stuff

Chennai, September 26: Desperate to prevent city youth from indulging in pre-marital sex, United States Agency for International Development (USAID) teamed up with Chennai’s APAC-VHS to launch their “Right Ranga” campaign at Nungabakkam in Chennai.

“Youth below 35 years of age cannot be ready for such a thing. That thing can ruin other things,” said Mr Asoka, director of APAC. “Very, very baaaaad thing, my friend,” he added before grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Imploring the public not to “fall into temptation before marriage”, the Right Ranga character (who bears uncanny resemblance to Rajnikanth) talks about all the evils of having sex before your parents are ready to become grandparents.

“Ranga will beat that thing. I am telling you, that thing ruined me when I was young. And now, Ranga will beat it. Kids, please don’t do that thing,” opined Mr Joshua Subramanium, Chennai-based Ambassador of USAID.

With thousands of banners and posters being created for spreading the word about “Right Ranga”, it is imminent that Chennai now has to deal with yet another cocktail of pseudo-morality and social apathy.

“It is us against that thing. Destroy it,” screamed Mr Joshua and Mr Asoka in unison as this reporter nodded his head in disapproval.

Sex is not a bad word. It is biological. Only when parents deal with this obvious fact, their kids might stop acting like rabbits on amphetamines that are too insecure to exchange phone numbers and too aroused to care about staying over for breakfast.

And that’s all Blah has to say about that.

Vishnu craps on Gods of Rock

2006-09-24T14:22:00.000+05:30

Blah Online's staff at MCC on Saturday, seemingly very bored but thankful that the aural assault of Vishnu is no more reason to kill themselves

Chennai, September 24: At the rock show held in Madras Christian College on Saturday, Blah Online accidentally stumbled upon a lot of unfortunate facts. The most important of them being that rock and roll is definitely dead and buried in Chennai.

After arriving late for the show (thank you Pogu, Probe Deeps) and consequently missing Blood Covenant’s performance, Blah’s not-so-sober staff spent the rest of the evening laughing their collective asses off.

“Hahahahahahaha,” laughed all of them, even as Judas Priest’s barnstormer Nightctrawlers was being sodomized by the final band on stage –Vishnu.

“Chennai, we love you…we have got the time if you have the vaseline,” screamed Somu, before he proceeded to kiss the fans’ asses by constantly telling them how much they rocked.

“Yeah baby, give it to me,” he added as a few MCC-ians were caught actually giving it a thought.

“Maybe we should give it to him, dude,” said Nancy, resident of Thomas Hall and allegedly “a guy”.

After a few technical glitches involving the drummer and a bottle of valium, the band played the intro to RATM’s “Killing In The Name Of” and then suddenly switched gears and performed something that sounded like something else that came out of a particularly sick bullfrog.

“F*** you, I won’t do what you tell me,” belched Somu over and over again as Chandru, the guy who thought he was playing the lead guitar, made weird faces and for the 1,63,217th time asked the crowd if they wanted to “rock and roll all night”.

The next song to be shredded and crapped on beyond belief was Korn’s Blind, which according to Captain R, sounded like “somebody gnawing on sandpaper while trying to cough out his pancreas through his nose.”

Three encores followed but Blah Online’s staff were scramming for the nearest exit.

In this website's opinion, rock and roll comes alive when served by disenchanted minds, but sounds worse than your creepy uncle’s bowel movements when served by a bunch of retards who have the audacity to think that they can actually rock, much less roll.

Techies unknowingly chat with each other

2006-09-22T18:10:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 22: Octogenerian Malayalam poetry legend, Baby Kutty, had famously said, "The vearld is a smole plaise" and this was evident at an IT office on Friday.

Two male techies, who posed as women in a lesbian chat room, chatted with each other for 45 minutes while they sat 20 feet away.

'Sweetgal123' and 'Busty69' used the anonimity of the internet to chat up with each other, without prior knowledge that they had been crossing paths for the past 4 months.

An indication of the chat messages revealed that both 'Sweetgal123' and 'Busty69' were hell-bent on getting into a woman's head and find out what women really want. The duo wanted to apply their findings into their sad lives and hope to get lucky someday.

After the steamy chatting session, Sweetgal123' and 'Busty69' bumped into each other near the coffee vending machine.

Ed Note

2006-09-22T16:35:00.000+05:30

By tomorrow evening, the kamikaze staff of Blah Online will be at the Madras Christian College to provide delayed coverage of the “Rock” show.

In case they pass out during the course of the day, their toes will be cut into small pieces and eventually will be available for sale at eBay.

Campaign launched against footboard travelling

2006-09-22T10:24:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 22: In order to sensitise commuters on the dangers of footboard travel in EMU trains and PTC buses, the Chennai Division of Southern Railway launched a safety campaign in the Chennai Beach-Tambaram suburban sector.

Manly Man Singh, divisional railway manager, said that reckless youth indulge in footboard travel mainly to impress college girls. “These kids nowadays, I tell you…when I was young, you know how I used to act?” queried Mr Manly Singh, but thanks to resounding cries of “Noooooooo”, he didn’t finish what was likely to be a very boring story.

The programme was designed to spread awareness on the risks faced by commuters while travelling on the footboard, he said as yawns and fading catcalls filled the Chennai Beach-Tambaram suburban sector.

Even several “we want Sachin…we want Sachin” chants were heard amidst the dreadful boredom.

Mr Tracks Muthu, senior divisional safety officer, staged an interactive safety exercise by asking a few college students to stand on the footboard of a newly-decorated PTC bus. As the bus gained momentum, Mr Muthu threw heavy stones at them and then kept pelting them with smaller ones until they fell off.

“See what happens when you stand on the footboard,” queried Mr Muthu as he stood menacingly over the bloody, mangled bodies of the students.

The Transport Minister Mr Ravi Kupam also gave orders to 25-member mobile teams that would spread awareness among commuters at Beach, Nungabakkam, St Thomas Mount and Tambaram stations by shooting down anyone who didn’t have a seat.

“Yes. This will help,” reassured Mr Kupam, further adding, “Their internal organs will be sold and the money will be used to make Billboards highlighting the risks of footboard travel.”

Damme fine show in Chennai!

2006-09-19T11:51:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 19: Despite the incredibly poor showing of his 2005 effort– A Belgium Ninja Kickboxer In New York, Jean Claude Van Damme raised more than a few eyebrows on Shanti Colony in Chennai during the filming of a new comedy called Damme It!

“This is my first trip to Chennai,” said Van Damme when asked about why he was a wearing a leather jacket in the sweltering heat. “You make fun of me, I kick your teeth inside your mouth,” he added whilst skilfully performing a split-legged stance on two parked motorbikes.

After a series of flops in the US, Van Damme is keen to get his star power back through a genre that he has never before explored – comedy.

“In Brussels, I am funny man. People laugh at me and little children throw stones at me. Yeah it is funny. Hahahahaha. Yes. Funny, you see,” chuckled the man with muscles from Brussels.

It is rumoured that Kollywood comedy icons Senthil and Goundermani will play cameos in the film Damme It as a part of Chennai’s cultural exchange program with other crappy cities.

Van Damme admits to being thrilled at the prospect of working with legendary duo.

“I cannot pronounce their names. One is fat. Lot of flesh to kick. Yeah. The other is black. And I am white. I kick him too.”

When asked if he was worried about the lacklustre conditions in Chennai, Van Damme brushed away such inconveniences with ease. “Chennai is like Brussels. Yeah. Lot of people. And shops. And roads. Yeah. And people. Yeah. Also lots of…” he managed to blabber before being distracted by catcalls.

“You Indian bastards. I kick Arnold’s ass. Also Stallone’s ass,” screamed the action hero, responding to the catcalls which were getting louder and louder.

“Hey you Indians, I don’t know any Rajini. But if I meet him. I kick his ass too,” he further cried out, shaking his fists at the crowd.

Minutes later, the Brussels superstar was seen running at top speed towards Thirumangalam as thousands of Rajnikanth supporters chased after him with sticks and stones.

Join hands to fight chikungunya

2006-09-18T16:51:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 18: In order to counter chikungunya, three lakh students have responded to a government initiative to fight the mosquito menace.

The 'Join hands to fight chikungunya' campaign was launched at the banks of the Cooum on Monday.

Students from different parts of the city; armed with a government order, will visit various households and attempt to kill the mosquitoes with their bare hands. This will be followed by a lecture on chikungunya and the dangers related to it.

"Join your hands, eradicate the menace," said campiagn lead Ko Su Velan. Union Health Minister Anbumani Ramdoss gave his approval for the noble cause. "Mosquitoes can survive a nuclear bomb, the only way to kill them is by our own two hands," said Ramdoss. After his secretary whispered something into his ears, Ramdoss added a further statement, "Cockroaches too can be killed by our hands."

"Eat chicken, it is 100% safe," said Bollywood actor Sanjay Dutt, "no amount of chikungunya can harm chicken."

Meanwhile, animal activist Menaka Gandhi has disapproved of the cruel treatment of mosquitoes. The makers of Odomos and Mortein have joined Gandhi in the protest.

I was definitely high on something, confesses Pope Benedict

2006-09-18T10:59:00.000+05:30

Castel Gandolfo (Italy), September 18: After stunning most of the world leaders and nuns, who were previously in awe of him, Pope Benedict XVI further embarrassed himself on Monday morning by claiming to have been “high” while making those controversial statements.

“When I said those things about my non-Aryan, Allah-worshipping brothers, I was definitely high on something. Probably wine. Possibly LSD. But personally, I think it was the cocaine,” Benedict told pilgrims outside his summer palace outside Rome.

“Dude, what the hell is that guy saying? And why is he wearing a big hat?” queried one of the pilgrims, further pleading with this reporter to lend him a couple of bucks.

“We want to see that Russell Crowe wax statue, man. We don’t know any Pope, we just want to go to the f*****g Coliseum, man,” said another one.

Pope Benedict, who had worked himself into a frenzied state by now, threw his hands up in the air and cried out for God to wash his sins away.

“Lord, why do you test me so? Why must you deter my faith by getting me into trouble when all I say and do is according to your word? I know that you never did approve of these non-Aryan animals,” he screamed before stretching his right arm out in front and proclaiming in a thundering voice, “HEIL HITLER”.

When asked about the fact that he was once a part of Hitler’s Youth army, Pope Benedict closed his eyes and meditated for a few minutes, which irritated the hell out of everybody, most of all the pilgrims who were still under the impression that “the Pope guy” was going to give them “a few bucks”.

Almost seven hours later, the Pope said, “Amen” and proceeded to return to his chambers. Blah Online has received unconfirmed reports that Pope Benedict has been headbanging to Rammstein’s Du Hast since morning.

Mutton biryani or briyani?

2006-09-15T18:23:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 15: A campaign to standardize the language used in hotel menu cards was launched by the Chennai Uber-Spellcheck Society (CUSS) at Velu's Military Hotel on Friday.

Frustrated over tomato being spelt as tomotto, CUSS has vowed to overcome the Me-thot-me-speaky-English syndrome and help the public in choosing the right dish.

CUSS president, Alexander Spelling B said that the root cause is the common habit of Indians to spell the words exactly the way they pronounce it and write exactly the way they think is convenient.

"It is a serious issue, not a random food for thought" said B, "a half plate of chicken 65 should be written as Chicken 65 - Half Plate, and not as Chicken 65 1/2."

Hotels around the city are renowned for their poor usage of the English language. According to a survey by CUSS members, 87% of the restaurants/eateries in Chennai have badly spelt menu cards.

The common elements noted by CUSS were brinjal spelt as brinje, paratha as porotta, writing Kadai Paneer and Paneer Kadai in adjacent lines. CUSS will write down the stylesheet for various dishes. For instance, biryani/briyani/biriyani will henceforth be spelt as brianni.

Many blame the educational department. "English is not given the priority in schools and colleges, thus contributing to the horrendous goof ups," said B A Passmani. Others beg to differ, "It is up to the individuals to try and improve on their English. I always speak in English," said Peter.

The campaign will stretch for three months with CUSS volunteers walking into restaurants and doing a thorough spell-check of the menu cards and the 'Today's special' boards.

Food and Fruit Minister M Nath Goyya gave the vote of thanks and the participants proceeded to feast on the cuisine, which consisted of Motton biriyanni, Gurd Rice, Vegetable cury among other mouth-watering preparations.

Man decides to stop watching Chandramukhi

2006-09-13T18:00:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 13: Muthu announced on Wednesday that he will stop visiting movie theatres to watch the Rajnikanth starrer Chandramukhi.

"I am tired of searching for theatres these days," said the 35-year-old autorickshaw driver, "Last week I had to travel all the way to Guduvancheri everyday, my wife wasn't amused one bit."

Muthu had been watching Chandramukhi everyday since April 2005.

Formerly known as Emmanuel Saravanan, life has never been the same since the movie Muthu. "Rajni is god. I hope I can meet him someday," he said, after burning a couple of incense sticks at the 'Rajni shrine' in his house. Muthu built an attic inside his house so that he can stare at his younger brother and say "Ulle po" in true Rajni style.

After years of dedication to the superstar, Muthu has finally decided to focus on his family. This includes watching Rajni's next movie only for the first 6 months on a daily basis.

"My wife and kids need my attention," he said, "I promised them that I would be there for them. Rajni is a family man, and I have to take his path. I just have to give my word only once, because for one promise of mine is like a hundred promises."

Will Muthu keep his word? Only time will tell...

Indian cricketer molested me, says Bollywood actress

2006-09-13T11:48:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 13: We, at Blah, would like to inform you that this just another ploy used by online journalists to increase the hits for their website.

A research by RiceWalterhouseCopper revealed that a typical news site would have a field day if the top stories included four factors: sex, scandals, cricket, celebrities. This phenomenon can be seen at Samachar.com's Top 25 stories list.

A combination of the four factors would ensure a strong flow of traffic. Therefore to ensure a proper flow of traffic into our blog, we might just do the needful once in a while.

Breaking News: Captain V sheds light on new image

2006-09-12T11:51:00.001+05:30

Vijaykanth starring as Selva - the fearless 12-year-old who fights injustice with bad haricuts

Chennai, September 11: After stunning millions of people in South India by pretending to be 28 years of age for almost 37 years, Vijaykanth has now decided to retire from Kollywood. It is now official that he will no longer be playing the role of a college student wooing a girl young enough to be a minor prostitute.

Vijaykanth, as he is referred to by his ardent fans, has now opened Pandora’s political box by further stating that he was going to buy an AK-47 and deal with corruption in TN the Captain Prabhakar-way.

“I have single-handedly defeated the Kashmir militants with an army helmet and a picture of my mother, I have knocked out 20 guys in 19 seconds…you know, one time I even stopped a tank with my bare hands,” gloated the aging actor amidst curious stares.

“Sir, those were just movies and I am sure those stunts were choreographed and quite frankly most of…,” said an unnamed member of the press before Vijaykanth jumped off the stage and awkwardly landed on the journalist’s head, killing him almost instantaneously.

Unsure of how to react, most of the mediapersons ducked for cover and ran like the wind.

Along with a few others, this reporter stayed back at the conference since Blah, much like Chuck Norris, doesn’t take sh*t from anybody, least of all a washed-up, overweight, no-talent actor.

Unfortunately, after Captain did finally get up, he brandished a large weapon, which resembled a vichhu arruval and threatened to use it against the few remaining mediapersons who still hung around for comments and lunch coupons.

To further worsen the situation, he kept the arruval down and started delivering corny dialogues from his unimpressive list of movies.

But he made no further comments.

Maybe he did, but I had already started running.

9/11: Chennai residents shed tears for victims before applying for VISA

2006-09-11T15:29:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 11: Hundreds of city residents shedded tears while standing in a queue at the US Consulate in Chennai on Monday to express solidarity on the fifth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.

“I understand their pain,” said Ramakrishnan, “it was horrible what had happened on that fateful day.”

“I hope they catch Osama, he is a bad person. I cry whenever I see the video clips of the twin towers, I never got the chance to see them in real life,” he added, before rushing back into the queue of hopefuls who are seeking an entry into the US.

2,973 persons died as the result of the attacks on September 11, 2001.

“This is for all the Americans who died that day,” said Vishwanathan, after placing a bouquet of flowers at the gates of the consulate. When asked if he felt the same for the Indians who have died in the hands of terrorists. “Indians die everyday, we are used to it, it is not the same when compared to 9/11,” reasoned Viswanathan.

“We are not indifferent towards Indians,” said Arun Prakash, another person in the queue, “we did care during the tsunami. When they show all the stuff on TV, it is hard to ignore.”

There have been 10 major terrorist attacks on Indian soil since September 2001. Three days ago, 37 people died in a blast at Malegaon, Maharashtra. (For more information, go to http://www.tkb.org/Home.jsp and drag and click your mouse on the Indian subcontinent.)

Not everyone is sympathetic towards 9/11 victims. “All Muslims are labeled as terrorists, thanks to the media exposure on 9/11,” said Fukre Abdul, “all I have to say to my countrymen is that two Indian Prime Ministers have been assassinated, and it was by non-Muslims. So stop this generalization or I will drive a truck filled with TNT into your homes.”

For gamers across the city, 9/11 has changed their outlook. A host of games have been created in which the players are required shoot down anything that look remotely Islamic.

“But you don’t go bang bang in this game,” said Akash, an avid gamer. “Americans do have a heart, no one is trying to milk money out of this terrorism thingy. Give us a break,” he added while purchasing the latest game titled ‘9-11 Survivor’.

Keeping an eye on ‘Pscyclops’ baby

2006-09-11T10:20:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 11: After a month of battling growth deformities and curious stares of men in white coats, the ‘Pscyclops’ baby who was born with a single eye in early August, died at the Government Gandhi Thatha Hospital in Chennai.

Blah’s kamikaze spy Pogu entered the premises of the hospital hoping to take a few pictures of the freaky baby but what he found out was something he neither expected nor desired to encounter. In fact so much that he just walked away from the mortuary ward and refused to speak about it at the editorial meeting.

Several barbecue pizzas later, the truth came out.

“It was madness, I tell you…MADNESS,” he screamed.

Pogu’s outburst was not without drama as seconds later he brandished a bottle of brandy and asked the rest of the Blah team if everything was ‘savvy’.

However, thanks to ‘killer’ reporter’s Zen-like sobriety, he found Pogu’s scribbled notes after everyone else passed out due to unknown reasons.

After sorting out the legal issues behind it, Blah Online is now cleared to publish the following excerpt from Pogu’s notes.

“My innermost fears have been exposed. Pscyclops is not a deformed baby…it belongs to a superior race of one-eyed midgets who are planning to take over the world. We are not safe. We are not safe. We are being surveyed for destruction. We are not safe. Must buy fresh deodorant and shaving cream….”

Dear readers, maybe the producers of 20th Century Fox’s TV hit show about aliens and stuff knew what they were talking about.

The truth might be out there.

Sudden art-attack in Chennai

2006-09-09T11:13:00.000+05:30

The ill-fated 'Standing Stone Thingy' er...standing near the Harrington Road signal as onlookers stare in amazement in Chennai on Friday

Chennai, September 9: Chennai is art-stricken city. Apart from a few wandering musicians and fewer painters, art is mostly left to drown in its woes in Chennai.

However, refusing to take bow down to their inadequacies, the Chennai Art and Culture department had employed a team of thinkers and sculptors to embark on a mission to create art for the public.

Months later and after much trepidation, the team has sculpted an supposedly ‘expressionist form’ in stone. They even gave it a name.

“I thought it should have been called 'Blind Man', but they decided to call it 'Standing Stone Thingy'. The important thing is that I thought, you see, that’s what we thinkers do,” said one of the thinkers, who allegedly had thrown a fit when the rest of the team decided that there was no connection between the stone structure and a blind man.

The 'Standing Stone Thingy' was sculpted over a period of six months and it incurred costs amounting to over Rs 9 lakh. The Chennai Art and Culture department also decided that the 'Thingy' should be kept near the Harrington Road signal.

“Harrington Road is quite big,” said Mr Mohan, member of the CAC department, when asked about why the place was chosen to exhibit the sculpture.

Unfortunately all was not well for long as onlookers and motorcyclists started to stare at it and make unsavoury remarks about it. It was a terrible realisation for the CAC department. The 'Standing Stone Thingy' bore an uncanny resemblance to the male reproductive organ and hence was soon becoming the butt of many jokes in and around Harrington Road.

“Hahaha,” cackled a motorcyclist, removing his helmet to have a better look and presumably a throatier laugh.

The team of thinkers and sculptors whipped the media into a frenzy by holding a press conference yesterday evening and then disappointed the scribes by merely handing out leaflets on which the following words were printed.

“Seriously folks, we are not gay.”

Maybe not…but after close observation, we, at Blah Online, do believe that 'Standing Stone Thingy' is exactly what it is supposed to be. An awkward reminder than Chennai knows less about art than a retarded donkey.

No earthquake in Assam, geologist makes an ass of himself

2006-09-08T13:22:00.000+05:30

Guwahati, September 8: The prediction of a high-magnitude earthquake in Assam by a geologist from the University of Madras was proved wrong, leading to speculations whether predictions are to be believed in the first place.

N Venkatanathan, who had said there was a chance of a 8.5 magnitude earthquake hitting Assam at 8.21 a.m on Friday, now blames Pluto for making him look like a complete moron.

"I had calculated according to the position of the sun, the moon, the Earth and Mercury, and it all pointed to the earthquake, but then Pluto is no longer a planet now."

When asked how did the planets have an influence in the seismic zones, Venkatanathan pointed towards the sky and said, "Look! A UFO."

He then proceeded to make a dash to a parked bike and made his escape screaming, "Rain and thundershowers is likely to occur in one or two places in Tamil Nadu".

Northeast is a well-known seismic zone and such predictions are common in the region. "There are earthquakes every now and then," said Biswajit Gogoi, an Assamese student, "we generally sit on top of a hill and put a smoke to enjoy the roller-coaster."

"People in Assam took this seriously because it was a Madrasi who made the prediction," said Gogoi's friend, Elvis Presley Lyngdoh, "all the teachers in the northeast are from Madras, hence it was taken seriously."

When asked if Kerala is a part of Madras, Elvis said, "Of course, what kind of a journalist are you?"

Meanwhile in Assam, the underground group ULFA, has announced Rs 1 lakh as a reward for Venkatanathan's head.

Kumbakonamized at Music Academy

2006-09-07T11:18:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 7: At a ‘Fire Accident Awareness’ program conducted by the Global Tamil Telugu People Foundation (GTPF) at Music Academy, more than twenty school kids passed out after being freaked out by the dance drama performance.

A troupe called Ratnalaya used their unique song and dance styling to enact the Kumbakonam fire tragedy, which claimed the lives of 94 kids in the year 2004.

After dousing themselves in cooking oil, they threatened to set ablaze each other with wooden matchsticks. Adding to this, Pink Floyd’s Ummagumma album was used as background music.

Suffice to say, bad memories along with David Gilmour’s manic harmonies led to the eventual passing out of more than twenty students at the Music Academy.

The Ratnalaya troupe, whose previous credits include dramatic re-enactments of the Sikh riots and David Pearl beheading incident, chose not do an encore and quietly slipped away as drunken fathers and scary mothers ran towards them for painful purposes.

While fleeing, one of the guys who played a 6-year-old child in the act screamed at the angry mob to stop, saying that “People, people…We feel your pain…and we also need the money.”

Little Suresh, who had passed out in the early stages of the performance, woke up to be greeted by a golli soda courtesy of this website’s reporter.

“What happened? I don’t remember anything…please don’t let the fire kill my family,” he said as reporters from The Bindu and Salary Due Indian Express were rumoured to have dived at once for the nearest roll of tissue papers.

This reporter also tried to make the kid feel better by saying that another tsunami might put an end to any fire threat and proceeded to make noises that sounded like giant waves splashing wildly.

Seconds later, little Suresh passed out again.

(Ed note: Due to Blah’s consistently insufficient funds, we couldn’t buy any more soda for Suresh)

Two years after tsunami, 10-year old TN girl wins award

2006-09-06T21:40:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 6: It was just another Wednesday for most Chennaites but for 10-year Mishra it turned out to be a day she would never forget for the rest of her life.

Preeti Mishra, a resident of Nachikuppam, became the first girl in Tamil Nadu to win the ‘I Am Poor But I Don’t Need Tsunami Relief’ award.

At a celebratory function held in Lions Club Of Chennai and hosted by the DMK party, the young girl mesmerized the audience with her bittersweet recollection of the tsunami. “We only have one television in the area, so when the tsunami hit Chennai…we didn’t know because we were watching thalaiva Rajnikanth’s Baasha for the 1,245th time,” she said as ripples of laughter filled the hall.

“F*** you, you little b****,” said Mr Subramianam, largely unemployed and erstwhile member of the Kamal Hassan fan club.

She then moved the audience to tears with a heartfelt acceptance speech. “I know I am poor, so are my parents. I will most likely be flogged to hell and back by my parents for not accepting the tsunami relief. Hmmm…actually, can I have the mo…,” she said before being rudely interrupted by members of DMK who used a blunt object to knock her out.

Mrs Thani Doraitsunami, journalist and author of Fearing Tsunamis for Dummies, held a rally demanding that people should not let go off the tsunami issue. After this reporter rhythmically banged on her door for more than two hours, she reluctantly commented on her actions.

“It is a tragedy, that little girl has no heart…how dare she say that she wasn’t affected by the tsunami when everyone else in India was. Are you telling me that those nice Bangaloreans held a candlelight vigil for no reason? Are you saying that people like us are self-indulgent, self-righteous morons who cling on to our youthfulness with our reckless need for justice?” she screamed before a little orangutan ran into her room and intravenously gave Mrs Doraitsunami her daily dose of Prozac.

Giving the vote of thanks, Chief Minister Karunanidhi said something so incoherent that nobody bothered to listen. As little Mishra slowly regained her consciousness, the DMK cadres whacked her again on the head.

“Whaa whaa…what a moment, what a moment,” said one Mr Sathish Sunder, who attended the function to forget the fact that his wife is having a torrid affair with the milkman’s third cousin.

Osama had a crush on Whitney Houston!!!

2006-09-06T16:02:00.000+05:30

New York, September 6: Osama bin Laden had a crush on singer Whitney Houston and wanted to make her his wife after killing her husband Bobby Brown.

According to a tape sent by the Taliban, Osama is heard saying, "Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, I did profess my love for goats, but Whitney is an exception."

"I will kill Bobby Brown. He has my Whitney, besides all he could do in life was snort cocaine and release a crappy song titled Humpin around," said the voice in the tape.

A Sudanese poet and novelist, Kola Boof, who claims to be Osama’s former sex slave, confirmed this. in her autobiography - Diary of a Lost Girl. Boof wrote that bin Laden was madly in love with Whitney, he watched the movie 'The Bodyguard' 666 times, and hated Kevin Costner for kissing her in the movie.

However, he felt sorry for Costner as the Hollywood star starred in the worst blockbuster of the 20th century - Waterworld. The Taliban also used Costner's movie to torture their victims.

Victoria's no longer a Secret

2006-09-06T12:21:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 6: The next time you salivate over Gisele Bundchen or Tyra Banks while they don Victoria’s Secret latest collection, remember this: those teeny-weeny bits of lingerie is made in Chennai.

Guduvanchery is the unlikely location where it all happens and Blah's Captain R went onsite in disguise to 'check out the scene'.

The factory is based in the basement of a run-down building, a clear indication that the word 'secret' is given full emphasis. Once inside, there is a full-fledged factory with men, women and primates working overtime for the supermodels' benefit, however, that fact is not known to the workers in the factory.

"I think it’s for the age group 10-12," said Maramalai, a worker at the factory, "it's impossible for a grown up to wear them."

When shown a picture of Tyra Banks on a Victoria’s Secret lingerie, Maramalai nearly got a cardiac arrest, "Oh my God! What has happened to our Tamil girls? Why is she getting her picture taken in her chaddi and why is she so thin?"

Her male colleague, M Perverze, was not surprised when he was shown Gisele's picture. "I know that, I keep watching Gisele & Co on Fashion TV, it's amazing how good our handiwork look on them. I tried them on too, but it is not my type, the string kept tugging into my butt-cleavage."

The lingerie goes through endurance tests, explained Allen, "for instance Victoria’s Secret’s push up bras are not ordinary bras. Look at that tester there," he said, pointing at a man donning a bra and doing push-ups.

Now that the secret is out, Blah would like to remind its male readers not to tune into Fashion TV and say: Hey! Gisele's wearing Maramalai's panties.

We prefer to think of Gisele alone.

President Kalam ‘visits’ Chennai

2006-09-05T10:37:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 5: Central government officials on Monday tricked President Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam into inaugurating the sesquicentennial celebrations of the University of Madras by promising to buy him ice cream and cream buns.

President Kalam, often referred to as the Missile Man of India, went ballistic after he realised that he was going to attend some boring function in Chennai.

“The flight came down, I had a frown, Chennai is not fun, oh what I wouldn’t do for a cream bun?” said the President, after sleeping through the celebrations at the University.

Stressing the fact that his hunger pangs were working overtime, the President also said “I will tell you about virtual university concept, if you promise not to be inept, go out to the nearest shop, buy me something sweet like a lollypop”.

At the press conference held after the function, members of the press asked the President if he thought he was being childish in his expectations for a more developed India. Seemingly very depressed by the statement, Kalam wiped a tear from his eye and solemnly whispered, “You people are stupid and lack cleverness or wit; maybe I should go to the hills and write poetry about peace, love and shit”.

After waving farewell to the dozens of people (mostly security) standing outside the University, President Kalam put his head out of the car window and wagged his tongue as the ambassador sped away to the airport.

A special Intelligence meeting is rumoured to be taking place in Delhi this very minute to counter Kalam’s tantrums when he hears that he can’t watch the Pogo channel all day tomorrow.

India aim for World Cup 2010

2006-09-04T17:32:00.000+05:30

Mumbai: Zee Sports & AIFF announced the launch of Goal 2010, an initiative by to gain public support for India’s efforts to reach World Cup in 2010. The Goal 2010 project will encompass all activities undertaken by in their preparation to get India to South Africa in 2010.

“We believe in India's ability, our players have the potential, all it takes is the right encouragement,” said Priya Ranjan Munshi, dictator of the Indian football federation.

“Imagine, if India qualified to World Cup 2010, how exciting would that be” said Subhash Chandra, CEO, Zee TV Network.

India is currently ranked 128th in the world, behind Maldives, Mozambique and New Zealand and there is a strong feeling among the public that the football federation is being unrealistic about the target.

“2010!! Ha ha ha!!,” said Nadim, an avid football fan, “these guys struggle to beat Nepal and Sri Lanka and they expect to play in South Africa in 2010. Big ambitions I must say.”

“Imagine Brazil vs India. I think the Brazil goalkeeper would score a hattrick against us,” said Nirmallu Shaker. He then corrected himself by saying, “actually, a hattrick is a bit too much. But one goal by the ‘keeper is possible.”

However, the members of the Indian football team seem to be optimistic.

“We are improving,” said Indian captain Bhaichung Bhutia, “We lost 6-0 to Japan, then we turned things around by losing 3-0 to Saudi Arabia. Both are World Cup teams, we have shown signs of improvement.”

“Give us your support, we need the thrust!” said Bhaichung’s teammate Climax Lawrence.

For further details, please click the link below:

http://www.zeesports.co.in/sports/aiff/goal2010.asp

Breaking News: Scientists accidentally let loose killer mosquitoes

2006-09-04T16:40:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 4: A crack team of entomologists and pathologists (who crack medical cases when they are not smoking crack) have discovered the specific flock of mosquitoes, which have been wreaking havoc in Chennai by spreading the dreaded chikungunya.

Upon discovering the nasty buggers, the crack team tried to isolate one of them but ended being viciously stung in various parts of the anatomy. “Ahhhhhhh every second of my existence is tormented by physical agony,” screamed Dr Habibul, crack addict and part time entomologist.

“Kill me, kill me now,” he further cried out while shaking this reporter’s collar.

The mosquitoes, after realising the dangers of being probed by junkie doctors, flew out through the nearest window as faint chuckling was allegedly heard.

“They were...like…flying, man, it was…like…whoahhhhhh,” said Dr Iluv Pot, a renowned psychiatrist whose presence at the lab was both unnerving and weird.

Thankfully, Dr Idea Manikandam, a pathologist unparalleled and largely unknown, had captured on his digi-cam a photo of one such mosquito. “We advise the public to take caution if confronted by the mosquito in the photo…we also further advise you to be afraid, very afraid”.

We, at Blah Online, urge you to take a long, hard look at the mosquito in the picture above. If it resembles any of the mosquitoes in the vicinity of your neighbourhood, you are as good as dead.

Oh well…don’t panic.

Dan Brown's next book is Pondy-based!

2006-09-04T14:07:00.000+05:30

Pondicherry, September 4: Dan Brown, author of the Duh Vinci Code, will base his next novel on the cryptic address in Pondicherry that has left many a tourist baffled.

The address in question is a hotel, which is located at No. 1, Rue Bazaar, Saint Laurent Street, Beach Road, Pondicherry - 1.

Brown said that the address serves as a clue to something "very big" in the Indo-French town. "Rue, street, road... All under one breath. Do you think the French had something in mind? Can you solve the mystery?" said Brown while talking to Blah Online on the phone. "I promise; no ugly, naked old man lying naked on the floor this time."

"No comments," said David Duchovny, former star of the hit show 'The X Files', "I am David Duchovny now, not Fox Mulder, but I want to believe."

There is much excitement among the public about the cryptic message. "It is very strange, this location," said Monsieur Subramanium K, a resident of Rue Vadakari, "I have not been able to understand how can a building be in three places at the same time."

His neighbor Monsieur Solomon Jebakumar agreed: "Rue Bazar, St Laurent Street, Beach Road... They all sound like roads to me, but three roads coming together in one address is strange. Real strange."

Kurien Kurien, the garcon of the hotel bar, feels that the address is in existance to ensure that the tourists would locate the hotel with ease: "You have three choices, Rue Bazar, St Laurent Street and Beach Road. I think it is good thinking by the founders of the hotel, since you can ask for any of the three."

When told that Pondicherry is also called Puducheri, Kurien Kurien blinked twice and said, "Whoa! Now I'm scared."

So what is the mystery behind this address? Is it a message from the founders of Pondicherry? Is it just another conspiracy theory or is it just an ad campaign taken up by the hotel owners?

Blah Online's reporter Probe Deeps had taken up the issue, but he could go only as far as JIPMER and ended up watching the rock show. Until then, let us wait for the answer.

Mutt massacre grips MCC; Blah investigates

2006-09-01T10:46:00.000+05:30

Chennai, September 1: Bloodshed gripped Madras Christian College on Thursday after the college ‘management’ hired men to shoot about 20 stray dogs found loitering on the campus.

The news of this massacre trickled very slowly as the hostel students were in no condition to recognise the sound of gunshots. “Isn’t like Deepavali, dude?” queried, Babli, an inmate of the hostel, still oblivious to the harrowing incidents that took place a few hours prior.

The management has since been under pressure to explain why they had to carry out the killing. In an exclusive interview wih Blah Online, PR executive Don Bhaskar Jr Jr explained the matter to this reporter.

“What can I say, it was the family’s decision. We felt that we had made them several offers they couldn’t refuse. But things didn’t work out and in the end we did what we had to do, you know what I mean?”

After consulting a few hags in suits, Don Bhaskar Jr Jr broke the news about the ‘offers’.

“We wanted to make a deal with them. We wanted them to kill a few students who were causing unnecessary trouble and bring their carcasses to us. But what did they do, instead? They f*****g just stood there, staring at us and sniffing their own butts, those f*****g mutts. So we hired men to blast them to hell, you f*****g understand? Ahhhh…forgetaboutit.”

However the consequences were far more tragic. Little Eagle Big Smoke, a 20-year-old foreign exchange student (from Walla Walla, State Of Oregon), was mistaken for a dog and fatally shot at least 12 times.

A couple of years back, Little Eagle Big Smoke had been diagnosed with Scoliosis and more or less looked like a dog due to the abnormalities in his backbone.

“For almost a week, I thought he was a hyena,” said Hashish, a fellow fresher and classmate.

The professors held a candlelight vigil during the afternoon hours in memory of the dead pooches. The students held a rave party at night, painted their faces in different colours and did the rain dance in memory of Little Eagle Big Smoke.

Say cheese

2006-08-31T16:51:00.000+05:30

Say cheese: A man uses the special X-Ray Nikon camera which enables to take pictures beyond a layer of clothing. The camera is nicknamed as the 'James Bond camera' after the sleazy British spy.

P James shocks Chennai

2006-08-31T11:51:00.000+05:30

Chennai, August 31: Just days before the Onam festival, Chennai-based magician P James has vowed to startle the world by performing his greatest feat yet.

In a press conference held at Murugesh snack bar, Mr James said that he would be the ‘number one’ illusionist in the country. After countless other self-praises, irritated onlookers asked him what he was planning to do.

“Two days before Onam occasion, I will make Kottayam disappear,” screamed P G James, scaring anyone aged below 15 in his vicinity.

“What are you talking about, mad man?” queried Murugesh, owner of the snack bar and sexagenarian. “He say, two days before Onam, uncle P James will make Kottayam DISAPPEAR,” said Chimpi, James’ assistant.

P C Sorcar, India’s only other magician, was reportedly very saddened by the news. “Oh it’s most saddening to know that people like James use magic for such commercial purposes,” he said and proceeded to throw a sissy fit when news came in that his makeup kit was missing.

Thanks to speedy telecommunication, Blah Online was able to get P James to respond to Sorcar’s comments.

“That b*****d, b****y m*****, I will show him…I will show all of you about power of magic,” he shouted before uttering that words that have traumatised many Chennai-based kids during birthday parties in the early Nineties.

“One…two…three…gilli gilli gilli,” he chanted. After a brief moment of silence, he screamed again, “I said, one…two…three…gilli gilli dammit”.

Still nothing happened.

Chimpi soon started chanting along, but in vain. Much to this reporter’s distress, a rumour broke out after the press conference that P James is going recreate himself as P Jimmy and try his luck with hip-hop.

T Ragendran, the rapping bear and erstwhile actor/director/cameraman/stuntman/script writer/choreographer, is also rumoured to provide guest vocals on the title track- “1, 2, 3 Gilli Gilli…here comes P Jimmy”.

Prime Minister announces the No Funny Bill

2006-08-30T14:36:00.000+05:30

New Delhi, August 30: Prime Minister Manmohan Singh announced the No Funny Bill in the Parliament to put an end to all jokes that have been targeted at people of Punjabi descent.

"Just because we are Punjabis, we cannot be at the receiving end, whatever we say or do isn't always funny," said the Prime Minister amid peals of laughter.

Former cricketer and MP, Navjot Singh Sidhu, added fuel to the fire by saying, "Am I 'butt' of all jokes? Am I an 'ass'? Do I look like a 'bum'? I can't even look at my 'seat' because people at my 'backside' are laughing at me. I don't like it from behind."

There was a growing dissent among Punjabis across the world that they were tired of the jokes that were targeted towards them. These 'sardar' or 'surd' jokes were seen as derogatory and obscene by the N.M.F.J.A.P (No More Funny Jokes About Punjabis).

"Joke books sell like hotcakes in stores across the country, and half the jokes are on Punjabis," said Khushwant Singh, author of Sex, Scotch and Scholarship, "can't they indulge themselves into books that deal with fornication, alcoholism and higher studies instead?"

Indian cricketer Harbhajan Singh stood by the Prime Minister's decision. "I am tired of looking like a fool in ads. Sachin, Dravid, Sehwag... They all are shown as studs, while I'm seen alongside that joker named Ganguly. I even hate my nickname," said Bhajji.

“Yes, Iamnothappyaboutthedoublestandards thathasbeenshownhere. Weallareindiansand shouldremainindiansforever. Besideshowwasmycoverdrive,” mumbled ace batsman Yuvraj Singh, who has vowed his bat to do the talking henceforth.

Meanwhile, the Bill has received support from half of India's national hockey team, crewmembers of Balle Balle music channel, Bhangra Association of India and Salman Khan.

Crouching Peter; Hidden skills

2006-08-30T13:02:00.000+05:30

Duhhhh...I thwat I shaw a foosball

By Kirmal Shaker

I don’t know much about football. In fact, I thought Maradona used to play for Argentina! But what I do know is that amidst the feverish excitement of the World Cup 2006, a sporting star emerged with virtually no hype at all. Peter James Crouch, England’s tallest player, forced dozens of people (myself included) to stay glued to their television screen. No, he wasn’t scoring many goals and he certainly wasn’t dazzling the opposition with daft tactics. Instead ‘Crouchy’ had the crowds (myself definitely included) rolling with laughter with his goofy behaviour and almost lunatic inadequacy in running on the field without looking like Frankenstein’s retarded cousin.

Crouch was capped for the England Under-20 team at the 1999 FIFA World Youth Championship. He didn’t score a single goal and his team finished bottom at the group stage, with three losses. However his lanky frame and ‘duhhh-what-does-this-button-do’ expression almost earned him the distinction of being the dumbest-looking football player in that side of the Atlantic.

Just when the world thought that Peter Crouch was nothing more than a retard in desperate need to act like a normal human being, he started showcasing his robotic dancing celebrations in the pre-World Cup friendly matches in the summer of 2006.

“Sportsmen are allowed to show excitement by using dance movements, but Grouch’s robotic style just makes him less of a thinking mammal,” said Dr I. Cantfinda Betterjob, renowned sports psychologist.

“We shouldn’t have named him Grouch, its all my fault that he turned out to be a retard,” sobbed his mother Mrs Slouch, adding “he is just so tall…I wonder if it had anything to do with the attempted abortion that my hubby tr…” before Mr Slouch hit her on the head with a blunt instrument.

“No comments, now sod off,” Mr Slouch said.

Standing at 6 ft 7 inches, Peter ‘Grouchy’ Grouch is a giant in this sport and the sole reason why this writer enjoyed World cup 2006.

(Ed note: Maradona did play for Argentina, you dumbass)

Microsoft hires human computer

2006-08-30T11:53:00.000+05:30

Silicon Valley, August 30: Microsoft boss Bill Gates has taken another shot at world domination by announcing that he has acquired the services of the human computer Chacha Chaudhary.

In an announcement at Silicon Valley, Gates said that this could be an evolution of computers and comics.

"Chacha Chaudhary's brain works faster than a computer," said Gates, "I would love to have his services and decipher the code that prevents a human brain from being a computer, preferably with 512 RAM, a video card and a porn downloaded from Morpheus.com."

When reminded that Microsoft has already bought all computer-related business in the world and buying Chacha Chaudhury's services would make it total monopoly for the computer giant, Gates said: "Muhahhaha! Muhahaha!! I am evil!!"

Gates, the richest man in the world and Chaudhury, the man with the fastest brain, somehow inked the landmark agreement at Gate's swimming pool. "I think, therefore I am." said Chaudhury in a flash, while he looked rather stupid in swimming trunks and his trademark turban.

When asked how would he keep track of the latest super-fast computers, "I've thought about it," he said, giving the answer in 0.65 seconds. For the record, Google provided the same answer in 1.02 seconds.

Meanwhile, Google has made a bid to hire Mandrake the magician to counter Microsoft's recent signing.

Captain ‘discovers’ 9th planet; pisses off Eighties rock band

2006-08-30T11:51:00.000+05:30

It’s not a bird, it’s not superman, what it could be is a new planet

Chennai, August 30: After much recollection and brainstorming with self, Captain R, Blah Online’s consultant, has shocked the world by announcing that he thinks he might have probably seen something that possibly could have been the ninth planet.

“It was strange, man…one minute I was smoking a cigarette and then suddenly out of nowhere, a bright shiny thing in the sky attracted my attention. I think it’s the 9th planet, man,” the Captain told the press conference held at the astronomy department of Madras Christian College in Tambaram on Monday.

“Somebody please get me some potato chips, I am hungry, man,” he astutely added.

However more important issues were raised as members of the press questioned the Captain about the name of ‘the new planet’. In a fiery outburst, he lambasted the International Astronomical Union for demoting Pluto and went ahead and further announced that ‘the new planet’ will be known as Toto.

“I am going to call it Toto, man…it rhymes with Pluto and man, f**k those guys who called Pluto a dwarf,” he said.

Controversies snowballed further Los Angeles-based rock band Toto, which was only known for a crappy song called ‘Africa’, called a press meet to deface the christening of the ‘ninth star’.

“This is tragic, we didn’t even know that there were other planets besides Earth and that Captain chap as the audacity to name a planet after us,” fumed band member David Paich.

Captain is yet to comment on Toto’s outburst.

Lamentations, concerns and civic nonsense

2006-08-29T10:04:00.000+05:30

Dear Blah,
As a regular commuter, I would like to address the issue of transsexuals, not as an alternative lifestyle but as major source of unnecessary titillation during train rides. I wish the government would issue a ban on these ‘men ladies’ and prevent them from using the trains. I am a decent man and I have been married for 12 years. I also have clean fingernails but the point is that I am clearly getting very embarrassed when these transsexuals sit on the opposite side and wink at me. My wife is very upset too. She, on many occasions, has caught me salivating and winking back. This travesty must be stopped.
Raja Ramesh Ravindran

Dear Blah,
The roads in Chennai are horrible. And I am shocked that no one is worried about them.
Ambal Mami

(Ed Note: We have forwarded the letter to The Bindu and by the end of 2012, they have promised to do a feature story on bad roads. So fear not, journalistic apathy is alive and kicking)

Dear Blah,
There is too much violence on television nowadays and simply not enough family-oriented shows. What happened to television stars teaching the public about moral values and day-to-day ethics? I have been so worried by it that I am thinking of taking the state government to court and seeking justice in the legal arena. I wish that the good folks at Blah would assist me in this moral endeavour. Also please send me a large-size poster of Shaktiman in leather shorts and carrying some sort of a whip. Mmmmm…Shaktiman.
Suganya Ramchandran

Mass suicide across the world, Chennaiites join hands

2006-08-28T13:54:00.000+05:30

Our Correspondent

Chennai, Aug 27: The world was rocked by mass suicides, though done individually, to which Chennai residents also swore allegiance and killed self in large numbers, again individually, on Sunday.

At the time of going to print, as many as 68 Chennaiites had killed themselves, after locking themselves in their rooms, cubicles, inside their cars, bank lockers, bathtubs and other places of personal interest.

Curiously, out of the total, 47 of the youth in Chennai were employees of call centres. Investigators are bewildered by the fact that the dead had used objects that had some connection with their work.

While some of the call centre employees preferred computer cables to hang self, there were four cases of smashing 15 inch monitors on their head, three cases of smashing their head on the monitor and one of them apparently hit himself on head with a keyboard repeatedly till portions of his brain fell out of the skull.

“That they smashed monitors on their head or vice versa cannot be deemed as deadly in the real sense. What I would call deadly is the fact that these monitors were connected to power, frying their head before killing them,” said Manick Baashaa, officer in charge of investigation.

Brahmin women, whose husbands died by drowning in temple tanks and boiling hot curd rice, followed their husbands’ suit by jumping into temple tanks and boiling curd rice. Though there were onlookers in the vicinity when they jumped in the temple tanks, they reportedly cheered the women and signed contract with their families to sing and dance for half the amount during the funeral.

There were also several attempts to suicide that fortunately did not become fatal, thanks to the unpredictable stupidity that they indulged in.

In one instance, a doctor with a multi-specialty hospital in Chennai tried to commit suicide by puncturing holes into his eyes. He, it is learned, is an ophthalmologist. But the very fact that it happened at the hospital ensured that the doctor did not lose his life. However, he would carry two empty sockets in place of his eyes and would also have to work as a bonded labour in the hospital as the bill overshot his bank balance.

There were also reports about many professionals wanting to attempt but gave up the effort after listening to the news of mass suicides. Two psychiatrists, three police surgeons and four journalists, admitted that they were about commit suicide – they didn’t mention how – but decided against the act as “it was more profitable for us to live now and make use of the dead people.”

Captain R, Blah’s in-house expert and leading space traveler who has traveled more than anyone else in the entire neighbourhood in Kulandaisamy Street Third Lane, observed that there were certain connection between the deaths and the disappearance of star fishes.

“There number of people who died in Chennai, added with the ones reported across the world as of now is the square root of 683.69 multiplied by 19, which happens to be the total number of pointed ends of star fishes, which incidentally are missing. I am positive that there are connections which should be investigated thoroughly at strategic spots in Idukki, Kodaikkanal and Amsterdam,” pointed out Captain R.

Kitty Naidu, the other expert agreed to his observation saying, “whatever you say man.” Sources said that both the experts are to be consulted by Manick Baashaa to help him with the investigation.

Incidentally, the prices of kidney has slashed by over 70 percent, triggering panic selling of the once-expensive stuff at the Wall Street, Dalal Street and Kodambakkam High Road. Meanwhile, the Union Finance Minister has assured the racketeers that the interest of all sections would be kept in mind before announcing minimum support price.

Blah Online reveals itself!

2006-08-28T10:30:00.000+05:30

Probe Deeps

PoguPainkiller Captain R
Random Beast

Food & Living (Alambara Special)

2006-08-28T10:10:00.000+05:30

Ravi’s Breakfast Corner

(By the Beast)

Blah Online’s trip to the Alambara backwaters was almost marred not by cynicism but rather by hunger. After sharing a smoke in makeshift miniature jungle that later turned out to be the army headquarters of the hermit crabs, Blah’s staff were stung by hunger pangs. Unleashing a distinct frown in all our faces, craving for food almost threw us off balance. Luckily for us, the sun was too bright to hang on in Alambara and we were becoming both a threat to sobriety and a menace to the local wildlife. We had to leave and find a place to have breakfast (ASAP as Captain R added).

About 2 kilometres from the backwaters, a breakfast shop casually stood around the corner on the Pondicherry highway…and the car came to a screeching halt. Painkiller was starting to exhibit signs of irritation and he was threatening to explode. After quickly sitting down on the cement benches, we ordered as many pooris as our minds could possibly count. The mashed potatoes, chutney and vathe kolambu were necessary attractions.

After attacking four pooris each, we ordered for 20 more. Captain R was served last so obviously he was merciless in devouring the hapless meal. Pogu, our kamikaze reporter/spy, opted for variety as he proceeded to order and destroy a plate of dosas. Deeps, our resident interviewer, was busy breaking abdominal barriers, knocking down every thing that was kept before him. After a whole lot of pooris, Painkiller temporarily let go of sarcasm.

The food was piping hot and the chutney was a delight, to the say the least. We, at Blah Online, had one hell of a breakfast to greet the weekend.

At the end of the day, Ravi’s Breakfast Corner is exactly what it says it is. It is a quaint shop by the corner of the highway, owned by a nice man called Ravi, who mostly serves breakfast meals.

What it’s not is unnecessarily lavish and uncomfortably formal.

Four stars out of five for Ravi’s Breakfast Corner (one star deducted since they didn’t serve fish curry with the dosas)

Starfishes disappear, panic grips ‘ghost’ fort

2006-08-27T21:58:00.000+05:30

Blah Online’s staff decided to take a trip to one of the backwaters near Pondicherry and staying true to our eagerness to observe and record, we have written individual reports on the major incidents that took place during the trip.

Pogu, our resident kamikaze spy reporter, takes the first shot

(With input fro, our scientific and psychological correspondents)

Chennai, Aug 26: In a development that is tipped to have far-reaching consequences on the entire earth, starfishes, the ugly looking, brightly coloured things that are found usually in water are no longer there.

Following a tip-off, the correspondents from B.O investigated the case at Alambara, about 115 kms from here, and found out that the starfishes were in fact not there. On investigation, it was found that the only things that resembled anything like a starfish were the slightly burned carcasses of two star-shaped things.

Captain R, space traveler with many light years behind him, maintained that the burnt objects were “definitely starfishes.”

“These bodies that were found in the vicinity belonged to starfishes at one point or the other. Interestingly, one side of their bodies has a burn mark which reminds me of a phenomenon called `jet burn’ that usually happens when you are slightly late to catch the rocket to outer space. But I’m not in a position to explain where the buggers were heading to,” said Capt R.

In the beachfront, popular for the `starfish walk’ organized annually by Save our Starfishes (SOS), an NGO, there are not even traces of any of these creatures. Instead, there are snails carrying their ugly shells and “hermit crabs illegally occupying snail shells only to realize later that they are shit heavy,” pointed out Kitty B.S.A.J.Naidu, a Blah expert on everything in the world.

Our psychological correspondent adds:

Incidentally, the otherwise deserted beach is now crawling with starry-eyed, crazy youth who ask all new comers one question: “Boat riding.” A psychoanalysis of these youngsters showed that they were not actually bothered about the answer to this question. They repeat the question to any animate object that comes across their way, and whatever the reply was, they continue to stand in the vicinity looking at the men, equipment, and even the fort that they have been seeing almost everyday of their life as if it is something very new to them.

It should be noted that there was a “glint” in their eyes when there are snails in the nearby area. Renowned sociologist Mr Kitty B.S.A.J.Naidu (the same guy quoted above as a specialist on nature especially hermit crabs) pointed out that these men have gone backwards in development, shrugging off anthropomorphic beliefs to cling on to an ancient form of Nature worship.

This phenomenon, he said, has to be studied, with particular reference to snails taking over the property belonging to starfishes and might subsequently repeat the feat with human beings.

In a related development, the department of archeology has conveyed to the Archeological Survey of India that the fort could be destroyed as it is right now acting as a barrier to proper vision of the beach. A senior official was quoted saying that the fort had nothing to do with Tamil culture and copies of *Thirukkural* should be carved out of the coral reefs for tourists to enjoy.

A particular union minister from the State to be lobbying for an IT park there, it is learnt. Fortunately, the move has not gone unnoticed. Mr Yung Gung, the historian who discovered the fort from a board erected in front of it has sent of a missive to the CM and PM regarding this.

Incidentally, there are reports about dolphins also going missing from across the world. Meanwhile, the Western counterparts are said to be in touch with Captain R and Mr Kitty regarding the disappearance of the different species and mental degradation of the men who are in close contact with the crabs.

Only on Blah Online: Goofy is a canine erectus!!!

2006-08-25T18:55:00.000+05:30

Disneyland, August 26: The burning issue of the day, "How did a dog like Goofy have a petdog i.e. Pluto" was put to rest with Blah Online's groundbreaking report.

"Goofy is a dog," said Joe Hernandez, a Mexican employee in Disneyland, "but he is better than other dogs. He is the next step in evolution."

Blah Online's Captain R probed deeper into the issue.

"Canine erectus," said Disney's dog expert, Tommy Tiger, "Goofy belongs to the rare breed of dogs who have evolved like human and can stand on two legs. Just like the homo erectus breed of monkeys, canine erectus have developed speech, culinary skills and have adopted mice and ducks as friends."

This is a hush-hush issue within the Disneyland campus, but Blah Online continued stick to their investigative journalism skills, with Captain R dressing up as Jack Sparrow.

The speech impediment of Goofy is due to his mother dragging him across the courtyard when he was a pup. Goofy grew up as an abnormal dog, and was spotted by the late Walt Disney.

Disney paired him up with a duck and a mouse and made an animated series based on these special sub-animals species. There was instant stardom for Goofy and his friends, which resulted in boredom and Disney as a show of affection bought him a dog named Pluto.

According to resources, Goofy is kept in a highly secret area of which the address is: 123, 2nd hill, Beverly Hills, Los Angeles, California, USA - 90211.

Deeps probes deep: Interview with Mrs Gandhi

2006-08-25T18:33:00.000+05:30

Noted animal activist Mrs Propa Gandhi’s recent bestselling novel Animal Propaganda may have sparked controversy due to its graphic references to ‘wild sex’, but it has been the inspiration for many college drop-outs and wannabe-reformists. The author, unaffected by her failed attempts at saving anything but her bank account, continues to give lectures at various colleges in India.

Over the months despite Blah’s persistence, Mrs Propa Gandhi has been unwilling to let any of our reporters within 150 meters of her bungalow. Allegedly Mrs Gandhi was ‘seriously offended’ by us a couple of months back when we staged a sting operation to uncover a bestiality racket.

Thankfully, Deeps, Blah’s new recruit who has communication skills, has contacted Mrs Gandhi and convinced her to give us an exclusive interview. In a totally unrelated incident, Blah’s entire savings has been looted.

PD: So Mrs Gandhi, what’s happening?
Mrs Gandhi: Violence. Destruction. Mayhem. Apocalypse. All against our 4-legged friends.

PD: Oh okay. Well, I would like to thank you on behalf of Blah for letting us conduct this interview. Any thoughts of the unfortunate events that took place last February?
Mrs Gandhi: Well, what your colleagues did was deplorable. I agreed to this only because of the generous donation that you…

PD (desperately interrupts): Oh Yes. I don’t think any further explanations are needed. So tell us about Animal Propaganda. What is it all about?
Mrs Gandhi: Brutality. Bloodshed. Sadism. Cruelty. All against nature’s mute spectators - animals.

PD: Uhmmm…okay. But what we really want to know is about the bestiality controversy.
Mrs Gandhi: Listen. All those dam fools can say what they want. But I think admiring an orangutan’s ass is an admirable passion. And just for the record, I did not have sex with that mountain goat, I repeat I did not have too much sex.

PD: Well it does seem a little creepy, don’t you think?
Mrs Gandhi: Creepy? Are you kidding me? You know what I think of that?

PD: Not really, but what the hell, I have run out of questions anyway…
Mrs Gandhi: I think there is unkindness against our wild cousins. Unkindness, viciousness, devastation and so on.
PD (flips a coin on the table and resists the urge to defeat boredom by walking away)

(Silence)

Mrs Gandhi: Er…I am working on another book, by the way.
PD: Whatever…

(Silence)

Mrs Gandhi (tries whistling a soft tune but gives up after 3 minutes) : It’s quite a story. Full of excitement, thrills, surprises, wondrous….

PD: Shhssshhh…chill. Any last words before I can save the other half of my brain?
Mrs Gandhi: Yeah. And pay attention cause I have been working on this line for 2 months.
PD: Just f*****g say it, woman
Mrs Gandhi: Ok ok. Here goes. Why ask about those dying kids in Africa when you can ask about the poor maggots rotting away in their corpses.

Pluto removed from list of planets; astrologers enraged

2006-08-25T11:12:00.000+05:30

Chennai, August 26: Pluto was stripped of its status as a planet when astronomers from around the world redefined it as a "dwarf planet," leaving just eight major planets in the solar system.

This had led the astrologers across the country to bring out their charts and rework on the horoscopes of millions of Indians.

"This is chaos!" exclaimed renowned astrologer Parthasarathy Plutoswamy, "my entire calculation has gone wrong! How can they do this?"

The removal of Pluto has led the astrologers with the option of 8 planets (including Uranus), the sun and the moon, this means that the astrologers cannot blame Pluto for any kind of influence in a person's life.

"When in doubt, blame it on Pluto, goes the famous saying in astrology," said Karrupa Vellaswamy, "Pluto saved us from many an awkward position, when something happened out of turn, we used to alter the person's horoscope and cite Pluto as a reason. Who do we blame now?"

In the world of astronomy, this was a landmark judgment, but for the common man it meant little.

"Pluto? Isn't that Goofy's dog?" asked 24-year-old BPO worker Manish. "No, you idiot! Goofy is a dog himself, how can a dog have a dog as a pet?" questioned his colleague Harish, thereby opening another debate.

Blah Online's reporter Captain R will be visiting Disneyland to provide an answer to the burning issue.

Distantly possible disaster allegedly averted; everyone keeps mum

2006-08-24T10:14:00.000+05:30

Mumbai, August 23: A Mumbai-bound US flight with 149 passengers was escorted back to Amsterdam's Schiphol airport by two F-16 fighters after 12 of the passengers aroused the suspicion of the crew by behaving like complete morons.

Dutch police spokesman Rob Staenacke refused to disclose the nationalities of the people and the nature of suspicions against them. A US official, speaking on condition of anonymity and a hefty bribe reiterated the obvious by saying that “they acted suspiciously”.

45year-old Avinash, IAF’s chief spokesman only had this to contribute. “Hey mom, look I finally made the news.”

Unable to overcome journalistic curiosity, Blah Online sent its kamikaze spy, Pogu, on a dangerous mission to uncover the truth behind the incident.

Unfortunately on reaching Amsterdam, Mr Pogu stopped at every street corner to admire the bright lights in the city. What he did after that is only a matter of guessing. But as of 8.30 am today, Pogu is officially missing.

Once again million-dollar questions raises their ugly heads…Will paranoia be the untimely death of democracy? More importantly, can Blah find another undercover reporter who doesn't mind work for pizzas?

Girl escapes harassment; incident creates shockwaves

2006-08-23T22:29:00.000+05:30

Chennai, August 23: In a shocking turn of events, a girl wearing low-cut jeans escaped the cat calls of the youth of Chennai near College Road in Chennai on Wednesday.

Chennai, notorious for its creepy obsession with women who have enough attitude to reject formal attires and orthodox wardrobes, has seemingly let one of them go unnoticed and untouched.

“It is a very rare phenomenon, I mean, I work here and I didn’t even get to see her a**e,” said a middle-aged banker, who was found loitering near the bus stop ever since the incident took place.

“What? Where did she go? Oh god, why is this happening to us? Why have you forsaken us, dear Lord,” screamed a youth after being informed about what just took place.

“It is not fair, I say my daily prayers…I just want girls to feel inferior when I stare at them, is that asking too much?” he asked, after this reporter gave him some soda to wash his face.

“Ouch,” he cried out when this reporter proceeded to smash the empty soda bottle on his head.

Gone are the days when Chennai’s citizens could actually feel good about living in a city, which uses its reproductive organs rather than its brains.

Or maybe we, at Blah Online, have spoken too soon.

(Ed Note: Yeah, we have spoken to soon)

Blind crooner enlightened about other blind crooner

2006-08-23T14:34:00.000+05:30

Los Angeles, August 23: Stevie Wonder did not know that Ray Charles was blind.

The crooner from the yesteryears was not aware of the eerie similarities between him and the late Ray Charles. Both individuals were black singers who were blind and yet were able to play the piano!!

"I didn't know he was blind," said the crooner, "I have not read much about him, you see."

When asked whether he had watched the movie "Ray", which was based on Ray Charles' life, the crooner seemed livid. "How dare you ask me that?" he yelled, "it hurts to know that I don't have a single movie based on my life. Don't you ever ask such a question ever!"

Wonder's outburst was understandable, the keys of new piano that he had ordered were short by 0.27 centimetres in width, thereby confusing the singer and making him play the instrument "off-key".

The 'Fortunately For 500' List

2006-08-23T10:37:00.000+05:30

Despite bomb blasts, tsunamis, wars and shortage of onions, Chennai’s most successful entrepreneurs have sailed the monetary wave, setting high standards in customer service. Blah Online has compiled a list of organisations, which have contributed beneficially to the lives of at least 500 or more customers on a regular basis.

5) Ramesh Stationary Stores: Strategically located right opposite a government school and right next to a brothel, Ramesh Stationary Stores have been in business for almost 2 decades. Mr Ramesh, currently honing his skill of eating paan and talking at the same time, continues to impress Blah Online with his niche marketing strategies

4) Hotel Crescent: A Malayalee-based hotel, which in the year 1999 came up with the brilliant idea of catering to non-Malayalees, is situated in Nungabakkam. Having recently ventured into food delivery and hotel accommodation services, it is only a matter of time before Crescent completely captures the hungry gaze of all the Mals in Chennai.

3) Unnamed Brothel: Initial reports have made it clear that at least 600 people visit this place on a bi-weekly basis. Further details are unavailable but one cannot help but admire their persistence in acknowledging Chennai’s pet obsession and their principle commodity.

2) Harrington Fast Foods: This restaurant is probably the only place in Harrington where people can find a luxurious meal without having to pay too much money. Mostly catering to meat-eaters in and around Chetpet and Kilpauk, Harrington Fast Foods is the perfect abode for a hot lunch on weekends. Having already mastered the concept of fringe marketing, these entrepreneurs now look to soar higher on our list by using more than one mosquito coil to weed out those blood-sucking pesky fellows.

1) Chetas Tea & Coffee Shop: Some companies are evaluated not by their profit margins but rather by their continued service to humanity in general. Chetas, owned by Mr Rajendran and run by Mr Nagaraj and occasionally ruined by Mr Bhasky, have gone where few teashops have gone before. Despite the threat from tsunamis, floods, searing heat waves and sky-high credit limit of New Indian Express employees, Chetas have never lowered their quality and have always put up a brave, smiling face in the er…face of adversity. This month, we pay our tribute not to lavishly-built, money spinning (or laundering) MNCs but rather to a comfy tea shop on Mount Road, which caters to most of your needs.

Mr Nagaraj, proprietor of Chetas/Anna/benevolent chap, smiles as he wonders whether this reporter is finally going to pay for his morning coffee

SIGNS OF THE MONTH

2006-08-22T17:09:00.000+05:30

This week’s ‘predictions’ brought to you by a pirated version of Microsoft Word

Aries (March 21 - April 20): Good health will guide you to your fortunes this week. Avoid meat, warm clothes, bad language, cynicism and alcohol. Consumption of such could drastically change your luck. In that case, wear a hat and don’t cross the road for 2 weeks.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21): You might feel sad or happy, maybe indifferent. You possibly could find love, in case you are single and terribly desperate. You might even strike gold this week…if you have the balls to stage a successful bank heist.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21): If you don’t watch Tamil movies, then you will have a mediocre week. If you have watched Vikram’s movie Gemini and then thought about how cool it is to have your Sun Sign named after a Kollywood blockbuster, well then you will die in a couple of days. People like you don’t deserve to live.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): For all the smokers, in case your contaminated lungs don’t kill you…the irony certainly will. For non-smokers, you better succumb to the pleasure of tobacco, life is just too short to pass untouched by vices.

Leo (July 23 -August 21): You will die. Horribly too. Don’t ask me why, the voices in my head asked me not talk to you.

Virgo (August 22 - September 23): A beautiful woman is who you are supposed to be. If you feel that you are physically undesirable, then luck is what saved you from natural abortion. For the all the Virgo men, you guys are closet transsexuals.

Libra (September 24 - October 23): Carpe Diem, baby!

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22): For all the dads out there who are Scorpios, we seriously hope that your sons turn out to be non-psychopathic. But don’t entirely rely on hope…get a restraining order.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22): Since Venus is perpendicular to a comet and Mars is too red for its own good, start digging your own graves cause life is going to suck until the day you die.

Capricorn (December 23 - January 20): Remove the alphabet ‘A’ from your name and turn the air-conditioner on and off at least 24 times before smashing your head against the wall. Otherwise, you seem to have a decent month ahead of you.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19): If you have arachnophobia, don’t go anywhere near spiders.

Pisces (February 20- March 20): This month might be a little fishy for you. Hahaha. Hahaha. Oh boy, how we astrologers kid ourselves. For the Pisces folks out where who didn't think it was funny, may you get chicken pox.

(Apart from astrology, we also do cool things like Voodoo and ritual killing...contact Blah Online for further details)

Chennai turns 368; newspapers pretend like it matters

2006-08-22T11:06:00.001+05:30

Chennai, August 22: Today, our city turns 368. With an estimated population of 7.60 million, Chennai is the 36th largest metropolitan area in the world. It would both tiresome and pointless to talk about the origin and historical relevance of our city since it is nothing like it used to be and nothing like our forefathers intended it to be.

In all those 368 years, Chennai has gone through remarkable changes, most of them bordering on lunatic excesses. Cement and steel replaced trees. Stylish Victorian buildings were destroyed and crappy modern art slowly seeped into BPO-owned structures. Artists gave up their freedom for free booze and Chennai’s Marina beach started competing with the Couum River for sheer repulsiveness. Sex became a dirtier word with each passing year and coffee pubs took instant advantage of Chennai’s need to find an alternative to Spencers.

“Madras is in my blood and…,” slurs one of Chennai’s soon-to-be ex-resident, 109-year-old Ramesh, before falling back into unconsciousness amidst muffled sounds of his respirator. (Mr Ramesh allegedly “died” after this reporter jokingly said that Chennai was going to be renamed as Valley Of Dolls)

For all its visibly chaotic changes, this city never bothered to notice the people living in it and thereby blossomed our inability to evolve. The good citizens of Chennai have been dragged through multiple fads for decades yet they always ended up disowning another part of their heritage. Sadly, every generation also managed to top the previous one in terms of sheer silliness.

This current generation consists of a bunch of pseudo-sensitive kids listening to hip-hop, indulging in unnecessary drug use and being fashionably rebellious. The previous generation cultivated an unhealthy liking for Boyzone and were secretly glad that Ronan Keating was gay. They indulged in alcoholic binges, not for getting high but rather for talking about it later. “It was wild back then, dude, and then like, I heard that the other dude was like so gay and it was like wow, you know, dude,” said 28-year-old Dileepa, a transexual recollecting fond memories of his/her teen years.

The generation before that secretly headbanged to Bryan Adams and drooled at the prospect of going for family discos on New Year’s Day. “Most of us were either in love with our cousin brothers or lusted after our cousin sisters’ husbands…those were good times,” said 39-year-old Sandhya, currently unemployed and definitely mad.

For ages, Madras (or Chennai) has been way down the cultural food chain but somehow, its inhabitants are always under the misconception that they are recreating their identities when the plain truth is that we have never let ourselves naturally evolve into a more original species.

(Ed note: Since Pogu, the kamikaze spy, is busy with yet another suicidal mission, we were forced to write about Madras Day)

Letters To The Editor

2006-08-21T13:07:00.000+05:30

Dear Sir,
I would like to bring to your kind attention that North or South, Sachin Tendulkar is the best.
- Somasundaram

Respected Sir,
I am a self-respecting Malayalee living in Chennai and I find it very painful to know that we live in a nation where actresses are seldom obese. I sincerely hope that India wakes up and smell the burning fat because I fear that age has caught up with Shakeela.
- Shiny Rosy Baby Kutty

Dear Sir,
We are planning to kill both of you. We also know where you live.
- regular readers of The Bindu

(Ed note: I think Mr Somasundaram intended to say 'East or West')

Editorial

2006-08-21T11:24:00.000+05:30

One year, several months and yawns later

by Thani Doraitsunami (reluctant guest writer for Blah)

The Great Indian Ocean earthquake of 2004, known by the scientific community as the Sumatra-Andaman earthquake and by the journalists, as a lucky break for cooking up sob stories, has affected all of us in some way or the other. It hit us like a tidal wave (or perhaps tsunami) and buried our spirits like a groundhog (also read; earthquake).

Orphanages were crowded and newspaper readers were exasperated, thanks to the same old shit being published again and again. News-related websites took advantage of the disaster and started uploading graphic pictures, which strangely titillated anyone who ever ventured in sites like Samachar.

The world was in chaos. India was in tears. And Chennai was afraid if Spencers would shut down on that fateful Sunday.

The magnitude of the earthquake originally recorded as 9.0 on the Richter scale, now has been upgraded to between 9.1 and 9.3. But one has to wonder, how many journalists have been able to advantage of this and upgrade their Visa card to gold status? How many hard-working reporters can actually claim to have created fictional characters to spice up their stories?

The sad truth is that newspapers did not take full advantage of the tsunami and instead of ripping off people’s emotions with regular dosages of misquoted outbursts and make-believe orphans who have lost at least two body parts, they let the whole issue fade out.

Despite a lag of up to several hours between the earthquake and the impact of the tsunami, nearly all of the victims were taken completely by surprise. Despite nature’s reluctance to dispatch anything destructive these days, let us hope that our spirit remains untouched by reality.

Take it from me, cancer need not be cured and Lebanon can be blown to hell and back for all we care. What we need is death, sex, crime and tsunamis.

Of film reviews and plagiarism

2006-08-21T11:06:00.000+05:30

Chennai, August 19: Regular readers of the Friday editions of the various newspapers in Chennai were proud to note that the standard of Indian journalism is at par with their western counterparts.

This was the focal point of discussion at the first ever meeting of Plagiarism: Kaavya and beyond, held at the book store at Barista at Khader Nawaz Khan Road on Sunday.

"It is a proud moment for Indians, especially South Indians," said Vaskar Gautama, "I have found many film reviews in our newspapers which are similar to the ones in The New Yorker. Word to word."

There was a heated discussion on the notion that the writers in the West are plagiarizing Indians.

"The internet has opened all avenues," said Swedish Comment, "anyone can lift a piece off the net and copy-paste it into their article, or at least base their article on someone else's work."

Participants felt that the writers at the UK-based newspaper The Guardian, were plagiarizing the film reviews from the Friday editions of Chennai's newspapers.

"Peter Bradshaw is a plagiarist," said King Freddy Rick, "he takes the credit for what we do and gets paid way too much for his efforts."

When asked how did the Indian reviews appear earlier than the ones in the West since the movies are released in the West before hitting the Indian theatres, the focus was diverted to Kaavya Vishwanathan.

The new discussion did not last long, for many felt that Vishwanathan was an embarrassment to a certain community. The rest proceeded to have free coffee and brownies which was available in the coffee shop.

No-balls...no brains either

2006-08-21T10:48:00.000+05:30

Colombo, August 20: Three days after the South Africans gave the finger to Sri Lanka and decided to get the hell out of there, the Unitech ODI series between India and Lanka was cancelled.

However, the cancellation of the series had little to do with SA’s exit since a lot of ignorant cricket fans were out there to cheer the veteran players who are currently battling for spot in Pepsi’s advertisements.

The official report is that Unitech Cup 2006 was cancelled due to “severe lack of planning” and “plain stupidity.” Lanka, now shares with India the dubious honour of being “hopeless morons” when it comes to hosting ODI tournaments.

However, many cricketers, under the impression that they are the offspring of Mandela and Mother Teresa, are pointing the finger of shame at South Africa for walking out of the series, citing security problems. Most of them have conveniently decided to forget that if South Africa had played, the rains would still have washed away the rest of the series and the financial loss incurred by the Lankan board would have been worse.

“South Africa have put Sri Lanka as a dangerous place on the cricketing map,” said star spinner Muthiah Muralitharan, dodging a grenade attack with his graceful feet. “It is not a dangerous place, it’s just that…,” he added, as his voice drowned amidst the noise of rapid gunfire.

“Mentality of a lot of sides is such that they think Europe and other countries are safe, but not Asia,” quipped Sangakkara, Lanka’s wicketkeeper and also the keeper of the lost art of speaking good English.

A Blah Online survey has shown that 98% of Indian sportsmen yearn to play in the West and more than 94% of European & American sportsmen would much rather eat their own feet than play in Asia.

Another survey has also shown that 46% of BCCI’s vested interest lies in bastardising cricket, misusing funds by using political warfare. 85% of the Sri Lanka Cricket Board’s attention is focussed on sucking to other boards for bringing in some star power to their country to force the crowds into paying more for the tickets.

Fittingly, 100% of Blah Online’s staff believe that these reasons, along with lots more, will be the downfall of cricket and also the reason why cricket boards still push for ODI tournaments when even a spastic retard can tell you that it is going to rain like hell.

Man and youth die in mishap

2006-08-21T10:34:00.000+05:30

Chennai, August 20: Two persons, one man and a youth, died in a motorcycle accident at the Roundtana at Anna Nagar on Sunday evening.

The man was identified to be one Ramesh (21), who has left behind a grieving wife. The youth was identified as one Suresh (37), who by judging by the normal nomenclature, was unmarried.

The incident occured when the man was trying to ride the bike between a bus and a shareauto. According to eyewitnesses, the rider lost control of the vehicle and got sandwiched between the shareauto and the bus, thereby crashing into one of the bigger vehicles.

"It was a stupid thing to do I must say," said Gabriel Senthil Jebakumar, an eyewitness, "to pull off a stunt like that on a Pulsar 150 is idiotic. What was the youth thinking?"

When informed that the rider was married and thereby not a youth anymore, the eyewitness corrected his statement.

"I thought the pillion rider would have got away since he was wearing a helmet, but the bus tyres were way too heavy for him," said Capt. Prabhakaran, another eyewitness and Vijaykanth clone.

This brings into focus the safety of bikers across the city who ride motorcycles which has 2 bhp extra power in their vehicles.

Saturday Morning Fever

2006-08-19T11:48:00.000+05:30

Unknown people just aimlessly sitting around, doing absolutely nothing of remote interest to anyone, on the sands of Marina Beach, which is situated before Santhome, after Mount Road, parallel to Mylapore and right under the blue sky in Chennai during the wee hours of Saturday.

Photo credit: The (Salary) Due Indian Express

Sexual deviancy skates into public gaze

2006-08-19T10:44:00.000+05:30

Chennai, August 19: Often touted to be the next Chief Minister, mostly at wild parties of drunken stupor, Minister for Rural Development and Municipal Administration MK Stalin skated into the hearts and minds of his fellow citizens by inaugurating a skating ring in Chennai on Friday.

The skating ring was built in order to dispel the notion that fat rich kids will seldom lose weight and the inauguration itself was to make sure that the people of Chennai get used to seeing Stalin’s face wherever they go.

Sensing a tedious report of uneventful news, Blah Online went ahead and bribed a reporter from a popular newspaper to catch a glimpse of anything out of the ordinary during the event. (Ed note: We didn’t pay him any money; a chicken barbecue pizza did the trick)

The reporter, Pogu (name changed), brought to our attention certain facts that challenged the very existence of human decency in Chennai. “A few young girls were skating and some of the old f*****s were ogling at them…F*****g disgusting,” Pogu said, barely able to contain his anger.

He also said that the public gaze turned paedophilic in a matter of seconds after one of them realised that there were no female reporters around to grope and make fun of.

“South Indians have a lot of gross habits and this is one of them,” said Dr Murthy, a renowned psychiatrist, currently pursuing a degree in animal husbandry.

“What yaar, they were just staring, no? Even sometimes I stare while walking past Good Shepherd school,” said Sathish, a college student. “The kids in Africa haven’t even seen a pair of skating shoes, it is fascism I tell you,” mumbled Nalini, a social activist and tree-hugger.

Blah Online has uncovered a shocking revelation that people of Chennai indulge in such atrocious behaviour even at public places and now all that remains to be seen is whether the government tries to curb sexual deviancy by encouraging free flow of X-rated movies at supermarkets.

Dear Agony Aunt

2006-08-18T17:34:00.000+05:30

Dear Agony Aunt,
I used to wax my upper lip to remove the hair but found out that that the skin around it had become dark. I then bleached that dark part but after a few days I found out that it has become darker. Help!
- Missed Whiskers (18)

Agony Aunt - Grow the mouch, it will help cover the dark part.

Dear Agony Aunt,
My boyfriend and I had oral sex. Will I get AIDS?
-Bimbo (18)

Agony Aunt - If his name is Anil Kapoor, then yes.

Dear Agony Aunt,
I suspect my father is having an affair with his collegue. My mother died a few years ago and of late this woman, a divorcee, is visiting our home very often. I am really disturbed by this trend.
- Depressed teen (24)

Agony Aunt- Does she have a daughter who is super hot? If not then you have no reason to be upset with your dad. At least he is more of a man than you are

Dear Agony Aunt,
I have been going around with a Muslim girl for 2 years and want to marry her. My parents approve of her but her parents have rejected me for one reason: I am a Hindu Brahmin. What do I do?
-Ram (22)

Agony Aunt - Circumcize. What's a bit of foreskin for love's sake?

Barking mad boy let loose after nine years

2006-08-17T10:04:00.000+05:30

Kolkata, August 17: Government officials in West Bengal rescued a 15-year-old boy tied to a tree for nine years because he used to fancy biting dogs and other domestic animals.

Rahul Amin reportedly took his first bite at the age of six as the dogs in the neighbourhood yelped and ran for life. It is also alleged that on many instances, he had nibbled on goats and his relatives are certain that many times, they had caught him gnawing their feet during family outings.

“He used to bite my toes and it was a weird sensation, almost subtle in its intensity yet….”, said the boy’s uncle, Monish, before being rudely cut-off by his wife, Mrs Monish. “Don’t listen to my husband, he is gay…that boy was a freak and I say this on behalf of the whole family,” said the ‘dog biting’ boy’s bitter aunt.

After much protest from the farmers and Manekha Gandhi, the boy’s father Rahman Dali tied him to a tree and regularly poked him with a sharp stick, hoping to break the thin line between medicine and superstition. “He had to be contained…he is my son, but he bites dogs,” the father muttered. Seconds later, his maternal instincts kicked in as Mr Monish cried out, “Goats and cats also.”

When asked about the incidents involving the feet of his relatives, he calmly replied, “No comment.”

Nine years later, the news slowly trickled out that a most atrocious violation of human rights was being committed in this village. Mr Sushanta, who allegedly organised the rescue mission, said “Personally I would let him go free after 6 years…nine years is just too long.”

The matter snowballed further when members of the Human Rights Commission clashed with the SPCA’s activists leaving four people dead and sixty injured.

In a surprising turn of events, famed Bollywood director Rakesh Roshan was seen standing under the tree, looking pensive and confused at the same time. Talking exclusively to Blah Online, Mr Roshan said, “I know you are surprised to see me here but I tell you, I came here as soon as I heard the news…I feel inspired, this is a brilliant idea for a Bollywood movie.”

And now what remains to be seen is whether Hrithik Roshan can increase his IQ high enough to play a six-year-old retard who likes to bite dogs.

MOVIE REVIEW: Being John Malkovich

2006-08-16T13:30:00.000+05:30

Written by Charlie Kaufman and directed by Spike Jonze, Being John Malkovich is a surrealistic peep into a world of forgotten lives. Freshness is what makes this film so appealing as its characters exude wackiness with such severity.

John Cusak is a puppeteer who works as a filing clerk on the 7-1/2th floor of an office building. His wife and avid animal enthusiast, Cameron Diaz does not wear makeup in this movie; instead she tries acting and pulls it off rather successfully. Catherine Keener plays a woman whose weakness for attracting the lonely hearts club is only rivalled by her petulant demeanour.

And John Malkovich plays the role of a marginally fictionalised version of himself.

The storyline is crazy but only because such craziness is absolutely necessary and subtlety has finally beaten the living crap out of lucidity in a Hollywood movie.

And do not miss the opening scene. The last time I witnessed such poignancy was at a funeral.

CHENNAI LOOKS UP TO THE SKY

2006-08-15T16:26:00.000+05:30

Chennai, August 15: Despite joyous celebrations in lieu of Independence Day, most of Chennai’s youth were found muttering the word “bummer” as rain-fed clouds started hovering above the city by late afternoon.

Notwithstanding the positive impact the rains might have on crop cultivation in nearby villages, Chennai’s socially-sensitive students threw a fit as they whimpered, “t is not fair yaar, it’s a holiday and I wanted to go out…yaar.”

This year would go down in history as one of those years in which independence was celebrated without drunken guys chasing the wind on their bikes and throwing pointy tri-coloured flags at unsuspecting jaywalkers causing irritation and temporary blindness.

Mr Shrink (name changed), a local psychiatrist with a medical degree, seemed to agree to this notion, saying that “people like annoying other people, especially during public holidays.”

Now only the inevitable is pending as the clouds have gotten darker and chances of bursting firecrackers at night have become slimmer.

“Oh God, why are you doing this to us,” Deepak, a software professional of sorts, cried out in agony. “Please God, spare us during Deepavali at least,” his co-worker, Sam, quickly added.

Are we merely avoiding the obvious by not blaming the DMK government for the unpredictable weather changes this year?

Was BJP responsible for the tsunami? And what about the kids in Africa?

More questions than answers remain unanswered.

Youth mows down Blahonline reporter, almost

2006-08-15T15:39:00.000+05:30

Bangalore, August 15: A youth riding a two-wheeler skid for more than 30 meters on MG Road and almost mowed down this reporter.

Ramesh (name changed) lost control of his Honda Activa and skid across the tar on the busy road, had it not been for the quick reflexes of the Blahonline reporter, this site would have lost its Bangalore correspondent.

This brings in focus about the wet roads in the city when it rains. Are the authorities listening?

Blahonline reporter walks through security cordon

2006-08-15T15:24:00.000+05:30

Bangalore, August 15: There was heavy security at the Chennai airport in view of the Independence Day. Bags were to be thoroughly checked and the police cordon was at its maximum.

Blahonline reporter walks through the security cordon with minimum fuss and proceeds to check in his baggage. The security check comprised of this question: Are you carrying any form of liquids, Sir?

Readers may recall that the British airport authorities at Heathrow had discovered loads of 'liquids' on the to-be-terrorists' luggage. This reporter WAS carrying some lens solution in his lens case but the authorities failed to notice it.

Bangalore airport too witnessed unprecedented security, but the only form of terrorism came in form of a cab driver who pushed aside his co-worker to grab hold of this reporter's bag.

Since there was minimum fuss at both the airports, Blahonline went on to investigate further by visiting the Bangalore railway station. There was no incident to note, the number of burkha clad women may have painted a different picture in the world, here in India it does not raise any sort of alarm.

It has been a peaceful Independence Day in the two cities, as far this Blahonline is concerned.

BREAKING NEWS

2006-08-14T16:47:00.000+05:30

City kids join Coke bashing

Chennai, August 14: College students in Chennai have gone up in arms and ‘shouted slogans’, urging film personality Aamir Khan to withdraw his endorsement of Coca-Cola.

The protests took place outside the Kamarajar Arangam auditorium where an awards ceremony was being held to commemorate the death anniversary of director Gollapudi Srinivas.

“Coca-Cola is bad for health,” shouted one student. “Salman Khan is the right choice, baby,” he replied when asked about the Centre for Science and Environment.

The students had attempted to seek an appointment with Khan but their request was turned down. Compensation was allegedly arranged in order to defuse the situation.

Although it was unclear what exactly the compensation was, it is rumoured that most of the students were seen clamouring near giant trucks, drinking Pepsi.

FOOD & LIVING

2006-08-14T16:12:00.000+05:30

Brunch at Anands!

It’s yet another day as yet another wandering soul makes his way to Anand Snack Bar. This tea & snacks shop is located near Panagal Park in T-Nagar, which is renowned for its shopping centres. Most people who come out of the nearby textile & jewellery shops walk straight to one of the Bhavans and proceed to munch away on sambhar rice and pickle packets. The people who come to Anand Snack Bar are the ones of whom society often expects too much. They are well dressed yet unemployed. They are not educated yet they always have money for another tea.

Anand Snack Bar is strategically situated in-between a hardware shop and a place, which provides shelter for stray dogs. On the other side of the road, there are twelve other snack bars each catering to a special brand of customers.

As though specifically customized for their demands, this shop fulfils every need of their customers. The second cup of tea almost never has more than two flies in it, an abusive word is gently thrown across if crumpled 5-rupee notes are given and most magically of all, cigarettes are given on credit (subject to Mr Anand’s whims and fancies). The chairs, tables, politeness, waiters, ripe bananas and kind words are all conspicuous by their absence.

After being asked if he runs any promotional ads for his shop, Mr Anand modestly replied, “I wash the cups in dirty water.” “I will throw boiling water on your face,” he says, subtly avoiding my question about his shop’s taxable income.

The customers are a loyal bunch and after spending years trying to set up a credit for cigarettes, they are unlikely to go to any other snack bar. And if you stand long enough next to customers, you might have your face punched in. Such exoticness and unpredictability goes along with the experience and after buying a cup of tea and a solitary butter biscuit, I can honestly say that the experience is ultimately rewarding.

Sathish, a frequent customer, says, “V*** you because your M***** T****P****,” and quickly adds, “C**** this place and Anand...Hmmm...N**** B**** you (Ed: vulgar bits have been edited).”

In my fellow reporter’s opinion, I could not have said it better myself.

Join me next time as I take you on short road-trip to Chennai’s hippest food joints and until then, eat well but don’t get fat.

Film review: Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna

2006-08-14T14:27:00.000+05:30

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Amitabh Bachchan, Amitabh Bachchan's son, Rani Mukherjee, Preity Zinta
Director: Karan Johar

Ok, here's the deal. The movie title is ripped off from a classic Hindi song and the English translation 'Never say goodbye' reminds you of Bon Jovi, the eerie connection here is that many urban Indians who love Shahrukh Khan happens to like Bon Jovi ever since they bleated 'It's my life' on a microphone.

This is a movie with a difference. Shahrukh Khan is married by the first half movie! To top it all, he is an upcoming football/soccer player in the US (??). Watch out Bhaichung Bhutia! Shahrukh's gonna bend it like... oh wait, naah, our man's career is cut short due to injury, so much for the football. Nevertheless, there is at least one stunt to be seen on the field courtesy our hero. Good ol' Khan is married to Priety Zinta, who is working for a magazine called 'Diva'. The wife's career is sky-rocketing, while the loser remains a loser.

Now you have Amitabh Bachchan and Amitabh Bachchan's son, who play the father-son duo. Amitabh Bachchan's son is a suave guy married to Rani Mukherjee. Since the successful careers of Priety Zinta and Amitabh Bachchan's son demand the nightlife to be a part and parcel of their life, loser Khan and loser Rani end up finding solace in each other's arms, which in turn leads to an extra-marital affair, which in turn is a first in big-budget Bollywood cinema.

Thus begins the confusion and the series of coincidences which only director Karan Johar can come up with.

Amitabh Bachchan is (sadly) the comedian in the movie, a far cry from the angry young man of the yesteryears, one must say. Then you have Arjun Rampal in the movie, who is....ummm....whatever, and there is a role for Saira Mohan! Yay!

A cameo by Cheta John Abraham adds a new dimension to the movie by playing a DJ and smiling that dimpled smile taken from an angle which is not-exactly-from-the-left-nor-it-is-from-the-front.

So, what happens to the storyline? Unhappy marriage, advice from a dying man to a girl, confusion, who loves whom now scenario...and maybe a happy ending.

Since this movie is shot in New York sans the traffic jams and the shady streets, Karan Johar fans will love this movie. It is picture perfect and it has songs like "Rock 'N Roll Soniye" and "Where's The Party Tonight", can anyone beat that?

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna is the blockbuster of the year!!!

Cringe factor: 9/10.

Security stepped up, commuters forced to travel in sober state

2006-08-14T12:55:00.000+05:30

Chennai, August 14: In view of the Independence Day, the security in the city will be tightened.
There is tight security in the airport and the railway stations. The public is advised not to act suspicious while proceeding to procure funny looking leaves for the journey. Carrying opiate to another city is also a bad idea for the sniffer dogs will be at play.

Cough syrup is seen as a good alternative for those who find it difficult to sit through the journey.

"It is not fair," said Gonzo James (name changed) "every other person seem to be passed out in long train journeys but I have to sit through the trauma of the hawkers and eunuchs."

A recent study by RiceWalterHoseCopper revealed that 23% of the commuters did not recall being asked for their tickets between 2 a.m. and 5:45 a.m. in trains, while 17% of the commuters were in an inebriated state while traveling in the business class section of various airlines. 27% of the commuters feel that the government needs to step up security throughout the year, rather than selected dates like August 15.

BlahOnline's reporter is set to test the security cordon at the Chennai airport on Independence Day.

TURBANATOR: The Second Coming

2006-08-12T15:20:00.000+05:30

Chennai, August 11: Over the past few weeks, a lot of Indian newspapers have been publishing a lot of feature stories about Monty Panesar. Mr Monty has been hailed as the ‘left-armed Anil Kumble’ by many cricketing legends, including that English wicketkeeper-turned-painter who looks like a French poodle.

Mr Timothy Collings, a reporter from Reuters and possibly a friend of mine (or not), had written yesterday that “Panesar returned to his hometown of Luton where he enjoyed a game with a group of young British Asians on a patch of grass in a housing estate better known for race riots than cricket.”

Unconfirmed sources have also said that this bit of news has sparked little interest in and around London.

Monty's parents migrated to England from India in the late 1970s. He has a large supportive family both in England and Punjab, which might explain why the quirky cricketer has equal fondness for both Daler Mehindi and Queen Elizabeth.

Monty Panesar’s knack for taking wickets has not been uncanny but his bowling figures do have a decent economy rate. Renowned for being a fastidious worker and a chirpy sort of fellow, Monty Panesar is destined to be a recognizable face in English cricket for years to come, provided that he doesn’t shave that beard, of course.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND HER AIRPORTS

2006-08-10T19:19:00.000+05:30

London, August 10: Today, a story about a major terrorist attack foiled by the cops in England convinced the UK tabloids to forget all the sleaze stories of the day. Despite eye-popping news about Peter Andre ‘retirement’ and the alleged turmoil in Britney Spear’s marriage, evening tabloids solely catered to those who cared if their buildings were going to be blown up anytime soon.

Each and every British newspaper was liberally sprinkled with news about the 21 ‘desperate’ people arrested in London, Birmingham and Thames valley. They were accused of being involved in a plot to blow up passenger planes flying between UK and the US.

Thanks the bad English breath and severe interrogation tactics, the British Intelligence Agency M15 has squeezed enough information out of the ‘terrorists’ to officially say that ‘a terrorist plot to commit mass murder on an unimaginable scale has been averted.’

They further went on to say that this incident shockingly ‘indicated an extremely high level of threat to the UK!’

However the mind-blowing phenomenon of tabloids caring more about human lives than cleavage could not be further investigated due to this reporter’s distaste for fish and chips and Blah Online’s insufficient funds.

BCCI has no answers on 'list of probables' controversy

2006-08-10T17:37:00.000+05:30

Bangalore, August 10: There were strong reactions over the inclusion of Rahul Dravid, Virender Sehwag, Sachin Tendulkar and former India captain Saurav Ganguly in the 'list of probables' for the ICC Champions Trophy to be played at home in October-November.

The stalwarts of Indian cricket were not guaranteed a place in the team despite years of service for the country. It is not sure who has featured in the 'assured' list of players, but the inclusion of Dravid, Tendulkar, Sehwag and Ganguly in the 'probables' list has met with sharp criticism and raised doubts over their place in Team India.

"It is total nonsense!" screamed former Indian skipper Kris Srikkanth, "these players have scored tons of runs for India. I mean, even I have not done so, and, I mean, Sehwag is the Master Blaster, Sachin is the real Master Blaster, Saurav can also blast on the off-side, Rahul is a wall that cannot be blasted."

The BCCI has come under fire for trying to breed too many youngsters into the Indian squad. "Experience counts," said former cricketer Ravi Shastri, "you cannot discount the seniors, they all have cemented their place in the Indian team, how can you make them fight for a place which rightfully belongs to them? Besides, Kumble is a tall man."

India coach Greg Chappell tried to explain the concept of the 'list of probables'. "The list does not mean that the seniors are in danger of losing their position, it means that the younger players have to fight for the remaining spots." Chappell, however, did not comment on why a list of 'assured' cricketers was not released.

An effigy of Chappell and selector Kiran More was burned in New Delhi, which coincided with the BJP dharna outside the Parliament. Meanwhile, fans of Saurav Ganguly have announced a peace-march-that-may-turn-violent in Kolkata for the inclusion of the sacked India skipper's inclusion in the 'assured' list.

No one from the BCCI was available for comment.